Dirty Fractyl
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2001-10-20 14:43:31 (UTC)

Attempting to rise from the wreckage

Yeah, so it's the first day of the rest of my life, of
being lonely, of longing for her to change her mind.

What did I do wrong? What was it?
I thought I was doing a good job of being the best
boyfriend I could, letting her know how much i love her,
and never taking a single moment for granted. I can be
thankful for that much at least, that I have some great
memories to look back on from a time I was almost certain
that someone else loved and cared about me. But people
that love you just don't do things like this; they don't
just abandon ship because of a few obstacles.

The fact of the matter is that this could easily work if
she put her heart into it, as I am willing to do. But I
can see that is not the case. She toyed with my heart like
a kitten playing with a ball of yarn, and then left it
there, strewn across the floor. I'll never be able to wind
the mess back up into a ball. I am forever paralyzed by
the shock of this, and it makes me want to just give up on
dating women altogether, because everytime we break up, it
is me who doesn't want it, who is still in love. And I
can't deal with that. This is the second time I have had
my heart broken to the point where I don't think it is
reparable. The first girl, I am still not completely over
her, and now I have another one to contend with in my

I really want to die.

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