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2001-10-20 04:16:33 (UTC)

theres only a few people that..

theres only a few people that really know me, and they're probly not
people that you would expect to. theres actually no one who knows me
completely, how could there be, when i dont really know myself? im
the one who should kno me most, but just thinking gets me so
confused. my mind wanders to everywhere and gets me into things that
i know shouldnt be there.... but then again, maybe thats how its
supposed to happen. ive been alive fourteen years, and i can honestly
say that until recently, i never really truely felt love. the love
that truely means something and makes an impact in your heart. and
with it, comes the true happiness. but i dont understand how i can
say that, when i have the best people in my life. with my friends, im
always trying to look out for their best interest, to put a smile on
their face. when i dont, i blame myself, wondering what i could do to
make them better. ill be the first to say that my mind is not 100%
pure, i think things that shouldnt be thought about anything or
anyone, but then i feel a guilt, even f it dont say it to anyone. and
i compinsate by being extra nice to some people. i hate this feeling
ive been gettin lately, the feeling that frienships i had been
strongly built upon are going away. i might say otherwise, but i cant
lose them. i dont know what i want, or where i want to be. i know
that i have so much more life to live, but dont know what i will
become. so many people have told me that i am very mature for my age.
and until now, i have prided myself on that. but now i think about
it, and wonder if this is a good thing? am i gonna look back at my
life, and when i hear the words "You grew up way too fast and now
there's nothing to believe" from name by the goo goo dolls, am i
gonna agree with it? theres so many questions left unanswered in my
mind. yet, i know that somewhere out there, i will find the answers
to all of them. but in my search for them, i fear that i will lose
myself, and my sence of reality. my insecurities show for these
fears. i am insecure in every way possible, and nothing can account
for it, cuz i cant really explain why they're there, but i guess they
just are. my life is so complicated, theres a lot i dont know about
it, but theres a lot i feel... and sometimes i guess i just dont know
how to write it out. i used to know what i wanted to make of myself,
but since then so much has changed.