Shot

Dirty Fractyl
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2001-10-20 04:07:31 (UTC)

The end is here

She finally got up the nerve to break up with me, as I
feared she would all along. I don't know if I am going to
make it. Suicidal thoughts are all I have, and I hold my
broken dreams softly and cradle them in my arm, afraid to
let them go and watch them fall to the floor.

This has totally changed my outlook on my future. We were
supposed to spend so much time together throughout the
year, and now she is throwing that away. We were supposed
to make love, and now she is throwing that away. She is
throwing all we've ever had away, and I am just pleading
with her not to, hoping futilally that this will go away
and she will change her mind.

But I know that won't be the case. And I am relatively
certain that she met someone else *sigh* I shouldn't take
it too seriously, things this beautiful aren't meant to
exist in a world so cold.

No one will ever love me. I don't even love myself. No
one will want to spend their life with me, no matter how
well I treat them. No one will want to bear my children,
grow old with me, and spend our lives together. I am back
to block zero, believing this is true, after having been
all but 100% certain that love exists.

This pain is so heavy I don't even think I could write
about it if I tried. I am just utterly destroyed on the
inside. It isn't fair to be in so much pain. Maybe she
was right, all she can do is make me feel bad. But I don't
want to believe that.

I want to kill myself.
I just don't know if I have the balls to do that to
everyone again. But suicide is a selfish act, and I have
no problem with being selfish. It may be what I do best,
in fact. So when the right time comes, I think I am going
to flee the coup and descend in a free fall into a rock
covered basin, something to break my spirit.

There is nothing left on my inside again. I am now an
empty vessel again, lacking emotion, love, and all feelings
of compassion. I want to disappear for good. I just don't
know if I can.


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