Quiet One

My Little Black Book
2001-10-20 03:53:30 (UTC)

My Angry Ranting

It doesn't matter. Who am i kidding Yes it does it
matters more than everything. i want what they have. i
want people who are who they are and accept me and that i
can just hang out with and by loved by. i thought i had
this with lee, but i don't know anymore. i'm not happy just
sitting and reading, listening to music and all those
ordinary things anymore i need those people but i don't
know if they exist everyone tells me to wait for college
then i'll find those people i don't know if i will last
that long and what if i don't find them then what will i
do. just fade away and die like i am now i thought i had
megan but i don't i let myself believe i did for a long
time but i loved her and she just left me for all her
friends i wish i had in her other state just like i didn't
matter at all to her. i'm jelous of her happiness i
don't know if i loved her like that i might have but that
doesn't matter now i was just a girl trying to find out
who she was now i'm so much more like her i don't klnow
if i'm really me or am i trying to be her and i just don't
realize it i loved lee too i think in both ways he left
me for college and he found himself maybe not totally but
in a way he did and i'm jelous in a big way we can still
talk now but i don't know if it is the same now for allen
allen liked me and asked me out but i liked allen for a
friend we only saw each other a week out of every year and
we only talked a few times nothing like lee and i but then
why did his death hurt me like it did i sometimes can't
think of anything else carolyn prayed for me to feel
better and not feel unholy doubts about death i hate her
i'm begining to hate church religion and lots of other
things i still follow god but i don't know if i believe in
his followers they anger me to no extent but they still
keep coming at me they never stop sometimes i can't stand
their presence it is overwhelming and sickening even my
dad dislikes megan he told me i shouldn't hang out with
her she'll convert me to her unholy ways she has a
beautiful soul and mind and he'll never understand. mom
doesn't like her but doesn't say anything because it will
make me more depressed and i'll cry and she'll feel like a
bad mother she gets mad at me when i do that she said
that she's not emothinally stable enough to deal with me
sometimes and she makes it sound like i'm depressed on
porpose it will never end i can feel it