Joshin Jane

2001-10-20 03:33:33 (UTC)

the coffeehouse

i finally felt freedom tonight.
no classes tomorrow, just blair games away all day, so
holly and i went to princeton for dinner, met up with
anita, hung out at costa's...
it was great, i loved just being out and not having any
commitments, but holly has been patroling me to make sure i
don't smoke, we have a big game tomorrow.
i once promised her that if i didn't have my own cigarettes
on me, i wouldn't smoke someone else's, and she's holding
me to that.

i talked to joe on the phone tonight after a week and a
half of cell-phone tag.
i wonder at how easily i can lie to him and lead him on
even after we talk about how his astrological sign -
cancer - reflects his nature to hold people at a distance
and check them out a little bit before he lets himself get
close to them.
i feel like i've broken his trust but i don't see how to
take it back now; at least for the time being we can talk
and our conversations are really amazing.
if i were to fess up, the chances that we would stay in
touch would be slim.
not only would i have lied to him and crushed his trust,
the age thing would really become an issue.
he doesn't think age is an issue, he thinks it's a matter
of four or five years, and our conversations are really
open and fun.
i ventured as far as to tell him my bad canadian jokes.
i don't even know what we talked about, my majors and
farming in nova scotia and his new job apprenticing with a
tin guy who does have a real job title.
he asked if i listed to jimmy eat world, and i flipped out
and he told me about this weezer show they're opening for
that's playing out in oregon and promised we'd go if they
ever ended up on the east coast.
i was sitting outside on the stoop, on my cell phone, and i
think i was about to ask him about dashboard confessionals
and mention the november concert to him when my mother
turned off the porch lights and locked the door, ignorant
of my presence.
he had to go anyway, he was in the car when i'd called, on
his way to his sister's, but he just kept driving around
for the hour we were talking, about 55 minutes out of his
he got lost at some point and ended up in montclair,
passing a high school he'd seen ginsberg at before he died.
that recalled a conversation we'd had late in the summer,
when leigh was here and i was engrossed in my blessid union
there were all these coincidences and parallels in our
friendfinder profiles and one of them was mention of kerouc
and ginsberg and the beatniks in general, so i was
listening to this one blessid union song that night and
thought of his profile and told him that night about the
this has become the song of the night ever since i started
remembering its lyrics but i have it on real cd upstairs
somewhere, one of few, and haven't listened to it yet
i got the lyrics, though, and read them, and it's such an
effort to understand them.
i would never say words like these to anyone.
maybe that's not what i want, maybe i wish i could be in
this situation with people with whom i've "crossed that
line before" but i've never found that to be the case.
then again, i haven't been fortunate enough thus far to be
one for lengthy relationships.
this is what i get for the dozens of four-day flings in
middle school.
costa made a remark about that tonight, actually.
we walked past dan kallich in town and i did a double take.
is that dan kallich?
i knew perfectly well it was, i see him all the time.
yeah, costa says.
oh man, it's been so long!
who is that? anita asks me.
my ex-boyfriend.
well, costa says, that can be said about every guy at PHS.
he's changed so much since i used to know him.
not even since i last saw him, although that's true as
well, or since we've last spoken, but literally since i've
last known him.
just like so many of my old friends would not know a damned
thing about me these days, i make absolutely no claims to
know who costa is anymore.

anyway, here are those lyrics.
i'll spend some more time figuring them out on the two-hour
ride to blair tomorrow morning....
or maybe i just won't.

I remember Sunday nights at Kaldi's
I was never really down with coffee shops
A group of beatniks reading Kerouac
And the smell of grass from the parking lot
And as I recall
We got to know each other
We got to show each other
That we were fine just being friends

There's that guy who thinks he's Dylan
He plays guitar with the band
And he dedicates a song he thinks belongs to you and me
He must've seen us holding hands
But they don't know

We tried to cross that line before
But what we have is so much more
Cause now you will always be mine

And as I recall
We got to know each other
We got to show each other
That we were fine just being friends

We tried to cross that line before
But what we have is so much more
Cause now you will always be mine inside

And as I recall
We got to know each other
We got to show each other
That we were fine just being friends
And we still hold each other
And we still love each other
But we're just fine just being friends