angryanymore

angryanymore
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2001-10-20 01:40:43 (UTC)

itisevery day

now that i'm home... i can talk...

music of choice today is emilianna torrini's "to be free"
off the crazy/beautiful soundtrack... its absolutely
grandiose... this song... is how i feel right now. *sings*
once in a house on a hill... a boy got angry... he broke
into my heart... for a day and a nite, i stayed beside
him... until i had no hope... so i came down the hill...
ofcourse i was hurt... but then i started to think... it
shouldn't hurt me to be free... its what i really need to
pull myself together... but if its so good being free...
would you mind telling me... what i don't know what to do
with myself...

... anyhow... that just boosted me a little...

i talked to bob tonite... no awkward moments... thank
goodness... i just told him... i didn't want to be tied
down at all... and that was really cool with him. i just
can't get into anything... kolby's still very much in my
soul... i don't know if that will ever fucking
change... ... so much for me liberating myself and moving
on by tearing everything down or up. ...

he's message on aol says...
"how do you do all the things you that you do to me?
ian says he's feeling it
and so are all the boys he's with
my head is clear; i'm not convinced
but still i say
how do you do all the things you that you do to me?
if throwing up is 'feeling it'
then justin's just not interested
the things you see might not exist
but never last that long.
how do you do all the things you that you do to me?"

he told me once... that i shouldn't assume everything has
to do with me... maybe i just hope it does... i mean.. not
everything... cause god knows... . what
happened... ... ? ... ...

jordan's (my little brother) is standing behind me and
kneeding his fingers into my shoulder... ... it really
fucking hurts... because thats where i had my
surgery....... dammit.

lets see... this is supposed to be about what happened
today, right? ... well let me think... i didn't see eric...
so bummer to begin with... ... um... i got rid of some
kolby paraphanelia... ... started packing for kentucky...
watched kolby's name on aol flash on to asleep...
downloaded some music... thought. wrote. cried. laughed
because erika said something stupid in the chica's room...
THEN EMMA WALKED IN... god... she didn't even look at me...
that's fine...


i didn't used to be like this... ... i used to be really
nice... and i used to worry about what everyone thought...
and how i would deal if their worlds toppled down... ...
now that mines gone... ... ... ok... so i still love
them... i just don't want to crumble... ... ... and it
hurts... but... i've got to stop...

i remember... when i went over to his house after we had
broken up... ... and i couldn't help it... ... i cried...
made an ass of myself.. got on my knees.. and he
said "neeley, you have to stop doing this! can't you
see... " ... ... i
left... .. those words are enough to make any hotblooded
person go cold... ...... so here i am... cold.. ? ...

... ... mama's like... "neeley turn your shit music off...
we're trying to watch a movie..." ... how would she react
if i turned around and said... "well, i'm trying to regain
some sanity... so turn your tv up." ...
godddddddddddddddd... anger... ...

i wonder where everyone who gives a damn is tonite...

i'm ready to get out of here... even if its on a crap trip
with people that are only nice to me because i'm an
officer... i need a change of scenery.

i miss my mamaw.

i haven't stayed with her since before kolby and i broke
up... but phone calls became much more frequent... she told
me to just.. block him... and that it'd get easier... and
that she couldn't believe her baby girl was going through
this... ... i guess because i was SUPPOSED to be a
heartbreaker... like.. that was destined from
babyhood... ... how did he get the best of me... he wasn't
supposed to be this strong... how did he do this? ... i
don't know anything anymore... all i know is ... i'm
counting the days till i can leave this fucking town...
escape this... him... and everything else.

someone help me.

jane.


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