Ramblings of a Mom
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2001-10-20 01:23:19 (UTC)

Sometimes up, sometimes down

Ya know what, journeying journal? I sometimes wonder why
we have to go through such immediate and yet drastic, highs
and lows? I have been sick with a 24-hour version of the
flu, and it's like nobody even gives a shit! I called my
parents, and they were like, well, I have an appointment
tonight, so my poor son has to sit with me in the apartment
all day and all night, without ever getting a break or even
getting out, because Mommy's sick!!! Nor could Mommy get a
break, because she had to be the Mommy! And then, my
supposed best friend, well, he's like, I can't deal with
your shit right now, I've got too much on my mind with
what's going on or not going on with me and my girlfriend!
What the hell has this world come to? Has everyone become
so damn self-centered that they can't see beyond their own
noses? Or is it just me, being stupid enough to expect
more compassion from people? Well, whatever it is, I now
swear to myself, that I won't ever look to depend on anyone
else in my life or my son's again!!!!!
Shit, even today, my ex-husband was at the day care, can't
even take care of our son on his own! He's all worried
about the fact that our son (who is 3 yrs 7 mos) doesn't
have a bowel movement with him, well, damn, he obviously
waits until he comes home! Then, while I am in charge of
10 kids, wants to come to my room, and ask me, uh, where is
his bag? I can't find it. Damn, he's got 8 years on me,
one more kid than ours, and yet he can't do shit on his own!
Well hell, what do I expect, huh? I guess that's yet
another reason to write down as to why we divorced! I
guess I am just so sick of being the 'over-responsible'
character to someone else's 'under-responsible' character.
Ya know, then I look at this whole mess with my best friend
and his g/f. He is actually flying up to where she lives
tonight, because he's tired of waiting for her to come
here. Okay, someone explain this one to me! He makes this
decision in the middle of the night, leaves less than 24
hours later, yet last night, regardless of my flu, or my
son puking, he wants to fly out to see her after he has
just told me that he wants to die, because they just broke
up, yet again?
I oughtta just be happy that I work with kids, they love
you unconditionally. They show compassion without
question, and the rewards are just so overwhelming!! The
hugs, the blow kisses, the kids saying bye, even though
they have already said it when they were told to do so,
just the little things.
It's like adults just don't seem to have the same
compassion or caring that kids do. I yearn for that,
someone who greets me with a kind word, whose face lights
up when they see me, or the sound of my voice puts a bounce
in their step. WHy can't I find that? Can someone PLEASE
tell me? Okay, that's all I can do, I am officially
depressed for tonight (I refuse to say the weekend), and I
just want to cry!