19 oct 2001
It seems like I have woken up a little early this morning.
Yesterday wasn't the greatest of days. I upset the girl I
love and made her feel as though she were just a piece of
leverage, when she is so much more to me. I wrote a sonnet
I do not deserve to be loved by you;
It is a reality I've known from the start.
And I have to wonder if it is true--
You say you love me--is it from the heart?
The imbecilic things I always do
Should drive you away, and yet they do not,
And I have thought of it all through and through,
Determining I deserve to be shot.
I treat the person I love disgracefully,
Dehumanizing her, thinking nothing
Of how pathetic and distastefully
I treat her; in sorrow I try to sing:
But the song is as empty as my heart;
It's only a matter of time 'til she departs.
Even after learning things were all right, I still found it
difficult to deal with myself. I set my expectations high,
wanting to be the best person I can to her, and when I fail
it seems to be so cataclysmic that I usually drive myself
to do something drastic. Last night was no exception.
After blacking out for a period of time, though, my friend
came over with a bunch of weed and we got really stoned, so
that was very nice. In fact, I still have a little left
for today, so I figure in a little bit I am going to go
smoke what's left.
I am still not in the best of spirits. Something just
feels out of place. I know what that something is, but the
more I dwell on it, the worse it becomes, so I will attempt
to turn my focus elsewhere.
I'm wondering if I should bother getting drunk tonight like
every Friday or just save it all for Saturday afternoon
when we go tailgating before the game. Being trashed in
public places is so much fun! I wish weed was legal,
Well, anyway, I guess it's time for a cup of coffee and