ariella

a mothers wish

today is my tenth wedding anniversary to my husband, just
another day i guess. again i couldnt get to spend time with
my Mistress last night at least i got to say good night to
Her altho it was rushed and not done properly , yes i am
worried some. so 10 years ago this day i promised my love
to him in all things but more importantly 'we' had plans of
starting a family right away. 'we' decided two years
before 'we' married that 'we' would have children. it
was 'our' goal at that time in 'our' lives, that i would
stay at home and be the mother i always wanted and believed
i was put on earth to be and he would work and
support 'us'. it took over a year for 'us' to become
pregnant and i still remember praying to god asking him am
i not strong enough to be blessed with a child? have i done
something wrong in my life that you wont bless me with
motherhood. i remember the doctors testing 'our' fertility
he was there for me then, supportive in all emotions, in
all ways, 'WE' were one. maybe i expected too much from him
but i expected him to always be there for me, to always be
loving and emotionally supportive in all things in my life.
to be my best friend, lover, a husband and a father. did i
ask too much? *tears* yesterday my son brought home an
invitation to 'us' to attend support group meetings for
parents of children with special needs. i thought it would
be great for 'us' to attend and meet others, to help 'us'
understand 'our' son and his needs to succeed. well, first
he didnt even get home til almost 8 again and had been
drinking as usual. i gave him his dinner and sat down to
talk this over with him thinking i was doing the right
thing but as i said, 'we' have been invited to join a
support group for parents of children with learning
disabilities, he immediatly got defenseive saying, whos got
a learning disability? i was sort of shocked he really had
no clue as to what the new class and all the shcool
meetings were about so i just looked at him dumbfounded
with a HUH sat back and said, are you in denial about 'our'
son? well that was it, he blew his top completely refusing
to believe my lil boy hass this, got so mad saying, you
think hes retarded , i know my son, thers nothing wrong
with him and as i argued saying , where have you been? does
this family mean so little to you that you dont listen to
it when its in need and he got up looked at me and
said 'YOU DEAL WITH IT'. i said your right i do deal with
it, like i deal with everything, i might as well be a
single parent cause you arent here for us. the tears stung
my cheeks and i went outside it was that moment i realized
that my children will never have something in life that i
did, they will never see a loving mommy and daddy who work
together and love each other. *hysterical tears* my kids
are my world and this is so sad i feel so alone in
parenting and really am scared of my sons classification, i
have no support at home and realize i am alone in this. my
wish is that one day my children will know a loving family
life