A Dreamer's Playground
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2001-10-19 06:16:37 (UTC)

Bad Day usual, after tech school, on the bus back
to school, I was just sitting with my eyes closed
thinking... my cd player on & just enjoying my few moments
of being to hide in my shell and just think
about everything that is me.
Yesterday, Nicole yelled at me for a long while,
telling me to wake up because I had my eyes closed...she is
so fucking annoying and I can't stand her.
Now today she was sitting behind me on the bus and was
purposely yelling loudly just to annoy me. She's so loud
and obnoxious that I can hear her over my music when I turn
it up as loud as it will go. Finally I had enough of her
shit & yelled at her to knock it the fuck off.
Apparently that was exactly what those bitches
wanted. As soon as I yelled at them, they all laughed
their asses off. One girl even said we won...all I could
think was what the hell do you think you won? My sanity?
My will to live? God! Seriously why are people like that?!
They think it's so humorous to drive you crazy and I just
don't get it. At least when I annoy people it isn't
I got so pissed off that when I got off the bus I went
through the one hall then just went out the door and left.
I couldn't take that much shit...all my normal problems,
being used, neglected, being separated from Jason bacause
my mom set a 10 o'clock bed time for me (fucking bitch),
and Nicole's shit as well. It was too much for me to stand
and half way home I was pissed off beyond belief. Soon
after, I became sad and started to cry.
I can't help it...When I feel that upset and stressed
out and have no way to stop everything that's tearing me
apart inside I start to cry. I hate feeling so pathetic
and alone, but I can't help it. I am alone. Kate and
Jaime are the only exceptions to my depression. So rarely
am I ok unless I am with one of them.
Anyway...When I was almost home, my mom was driving by
(apparently she intended to go to the bank & go grocery
shopping) and she told me to get in the car & I did. I
told her that Nicole pissed me off & I just left to go
home. I couldn't stop at that point. I just wanted to go
home & cry myself to sleep, but then of course my mother
just HAD to take me back to the school to talk to the
principal or whoever they had get me.
On the way in I told her that I hate that fucking
school and that I didn't want to talk to the damn pricipal
or anyone at the office, but did she listen? No. Of course
not. I for once say how I truly feeled and once again
overlooked and neglected.
I went to the office while mom remained all happy &
showed off my sister's kid & I just sat down in a chair,
pissed off at just being there.
When mom finally got the fuck to the office, she went
and talked to the principal (whoever the hell it was...I
don't even know...I don't even think we have one actual
principal...that's how fucked up our school is).
Anyway...He came out to get me & he (omg can you
believe this) he actually called ME Nicole! Shit that
pissed me off...I was like HELL NO what the fuck?!?!
I went into his office, threw my bag on the floor &
sat in one of the chairs, looking down the whole time &
just crying.
They tried to get me to talk to them but I didn't want
to. They asked me if I was willing to talk to somebody
else but that's what I tried to do in the first place! I
tried to go to Mrs. Connelly but the one person told my mom
that we should go talk to the office & I just followed
knowing that I wasn't gonna say a damn thing to anyone at
the office.
The few things I did say apparently
weren't "appropriate" and he asked me to use good language
or something and at that point I just shut up. I figured
that if he didn't want to hear how I really felt then there
was no point in telling him.
I wasn't going to pour my heart out to a principal &
my mom when my mother creates much of my stress and
problems that are driving me crazy.
Finally after at least 20 minutes of "talking" (not
talking) to the principal, I got to go home. I went
through the halls as fast as I could & just went to the
car. I didn't want to be there & I hate it there at that
god damn school. Run by incompetent assholes who don't
really give a damn about how you truly feel unless you keep
your conversation "civilized" and "intellectual".
(intellectual being refraining from using a single "bad
People have their own interpretations for everything
and my interpretation of "bad words" is that there are
none. If you feel so strongly that you curse at someone
then it is because they deserve it. (not that it does
anything...they just laugh and it amuses them to piss you
When I got home, I went to bed & slept from at least
1:30 to almost 8:30. I woke up feeling like shit.
Everyone kept trying to get me to talk to them or smile or
not be so sad.
Rob thinks he knows what I'm going through though him
using me is my major problem. Used and disregarded like
some pathetic piece of useless trash and not only that but
then moving onto my sister. He pretends so well that
nothing happened between us that I almost think I'm full
out delusional. Hell I just might be...
Corrine tried to get me to talk to her and when I
wouldn't respond she started saying, "I swear, everyone
must hate me. Even my sister hates me now." All I could
think was that she didn't know how true that was. If she'd
stop calling me a whore & stop thinking it is a necessity
to make me watch her kid, well then I might not, but the
circumstances aren't different now are they?
Anyway, the principal asked if I could write down what
I felt and if that might help instead of talking to it is. Good luck finding it.

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