angryanymore

angryanymore
2001-10-19 02:31:53 (UTC)

10.18.01

ha. an online journal... how utterly by the book... but i
seem to have things to say... and i'd like to spill them
out. ... kolby... hm... last night i thought about him...
and how... screwed up everything was. ... i mean... he's
been gone for how long now? ... and i still can't believe
it. ... and it still stings... i thought i was making a
statement... or a difference... within myself when i
blocked his name along with everyone else that had somehow
dealt with him in the past... ... well today... i burned my
bra, so to speak... and unblocked him... only to see... if
he would casually bring up the name of his new girlfriend
again... i somehow believe the last time when i talked to
him, that he did it to hurt me... why would he want to hurt
me though? ... hasn't all of this been enough for both of
us? ... he made his point the day he left (even though to
this day i don't know what it was about) ... im coping with
this shit. ... no. i don't understand any of it... and i'll
tell you why... he looked in my eyes... and i saw that he
loved me... how could that change for him? ... no this
isn't another petty assumption... IT CHANGED... ...
obviously... or why exactly would he have left... ? ...
god... i hate this i hate this i hate this!... and i hate
the feelings i have... ... so if it was all my fault...
JUSTIFY it... make me believe that so i can fucking move
on... the silence isn't enough... and the pictures of the
new girlfriend who lives a million miles away isn't
enough... and then i have to ask myself... what is? ... ...
how am i supposed to heal myself... after a year has been
slandered as a joke... a fucking joke... ? ... so...
anyway... this is the part where i say... fine... fuck
it... i can always go back to listening to ani and counting
crows... cause they're consistent... they won't leave me...
or throw their new girlfriends in my face... *sigh* ... i
really suck.

gabe... hm... well... he's perfect.. what else can i
say...? you do don't meet many angelic people in this
world... but i did... so that's great... but............ i
don't know if anything will ever come of his greatness when
relating it to me... i mean... we have had some wonderfully
deep phone conversations... but what good does that do...
when... he lives in tupelo... and the ex girlfriend is
still very much in his heart? (not that she's awful or
anything... she's really very nice...)... not like kolby
isn't still in mine... fine... i'll proudly accept the
hypocrite trophy... ... because i'm exceedingly confused
and jealous... ............ i've become a typical girl.

my fingers are cold... ahh... signs of nervousness...
figures.

the day that kolby told me i was no deeper than the water i
bathed in... eric was over... thankgod... the next day he
wrote me a letter that had a picture on it... it had me in
a big deep tub of water... ... with all kinds of nice
sandalwood soaps and shampoos... that was happy. ... ... i
wonder if kolby actually ever thought we had something
going on... we never did, for the record... ... poor
eric... he's in a relationship with mother teresa... and
sometimes we think... maybe... we're all each other has...
(FRIENSHIP SENSOR*** thats all we are) ... i mean...
kolby's gone... nicole (mother teresa) dictates to him
constantly... "this will pull you away from god... yada
yada yada.. don't smoke..." ... she treats him like she's
his key to salvation... *sigh* ... i don't get it... but he
says he loves her... and i suppose i can't question that...
i would have never left kolby... never.

fiona is singing sullen girl to me... how appropriate.

well... i suppose i've unloaded enough for now... and
jordan's running around with fangs and fake blood is
getting all over my shirt that he's sporting (like he's
kate moss or something) ... so off i go...

p.s. karma (my kat) needs some raspberry flavored kat
food... if anyone reading this can think of a slogan for
raspberry flavored katfood... i'm sure karma would
appreciate it... thanks...

jane.