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2001-10-19 02:03:30 (UTC)


False Faded Bland and Tainted

The feelings can no longer seep into my soul, because I
have become so shut out to them. So shut out towards you. I
love a stranger more than you now, and I know a stranger
just as well. Because you are one. Your lies and life are a
total oblivion to me. You never shared anything with me, or
made an effort to love me. Out of this relationship all I
have gotten is an empty space to fill and a hate for any
type of hurt and a hate for men. And some wonder why i
can't feel, and i can't trust. I can survive on my own, and
I dont need anyone else. I can live by my self with no one
with me, without you, and because of this i will never
trust another, and you will die alone. It is too late now
for you to blossom and try to capture my eye, because you
crawled into your hole when i needed you most. Now I can do
without you, and the rest of us are alright without you
too. And its your fault that I have become so cold, when
you should be keeping me warmer. You should be making me
feel beautiful, and caring for me... You should be loving
me, and you should be being the father that i have never
had, and the father i will never know. Because of this i
cry, and because of this I've become a rock.

Is it wrong to cry as you push someone out the door,
Knowing that if they were to come back that you would shove
them out again?

Is it alright to hate an empty space, where someone should
have been?

Most of all, is it alright to forget? And is it wrong to go
days, monthes, years and never remember?

I miss christian with everything I have. Last night I went
to a college thing at ICC and as i was walking i stopped in
my steps and i thought, and i think i even whispered "it
smells like christian" i could smell his cologne, and as i
stood there, i closed my eyes and soaked it all in,
remembering him, and seeing him in my memory. Wishing he
was here with me. I do this alot. And every night i cry,
but no one understands how hard it all is.

Brad called me tonight. I love that child. he told me today
that his parents are getting a divorce, and that he is
moving away. I cry when i think about him not being here.
There is no way that I can bear to lose some1 else that I
am so close to. He is like the little brother i never had.
I love him so much... like that, and we have shared so
much, and we have so much history, that is only beginning...

Why doesn't anybody stay? Stay here with me...

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