jane_doe

a little piece of me
2001-10-18 17:02:51 (UTC)

blah blah blah

well, today has been pretty uneventful thus far. it's my
easy day...only one class :) i really need to go work on
my painting, though (if there's actually someone reading
this, i'm working towards an art minor in college). lately
i've just been having a lot of trouble staying focused, and
caring about the things i used to. i used to go paint all
the time. it was so relaxing, and such a good way to
relieve stress. that just doesn't work anymore. i just
don't care anymore.

my recently exposed attitude towards life has pretty much
driven away all of my friends. it's ok. they weren't real
friends anyway. a word of advice...when your friends tell
you that they'll be there to talk when you need someone, do
not believe them! i talked to a few of mine, and look
where it got me. alone. i guess i was asking a lot of
them. a few weeks ago, i was having a particularly
suicidal day, and one of them happened to come by while i
was bleeding everywhere (not attempting suicide at this
point, just cutting). they freaked out, made me talk to
them (versus being dragged to the hospital). this person
then proceeded to tell my best friend, who called my mom
and told her what i'd been up to. see, i've been telling
my mom for years that i have a problem, and she always
brushes it off, saying that my depression is a 'phase' that
everyone goes through. she said the reason i cut myself is
because i want attention. ha! up until a few weeks ago,
no one knew about it, and i've been doing it for a few
years. i hate surprise visits...things weren't good
before, but they're even worse now that my little secret is
out...

so that's if for now. might be back later. who knows.
we'll see how i feel in a few hours.

jane_doe