Evil Elvis
2001-10-18 16:37:06 (UTC)

Forgive me, for what I am about to say...

Have been keeping a vague journal on my pc in work, but
obviously couldnt update it from home, when I most need to

not entirely sure what's gonna be put in here, so if
there's nothing to read or it sucks then I apologise, I
just sometimes feel the need to clear my head, as if
keeping things in drains me or soething (and it probably

I also find it really difficult to talk to others about
myself, so if I see things in black n white before me, I
may be able to identify the problem and do something about
it....that's the theory anyway.

Day off work today, have a cold but there's other things
gnawing away at the back of my brain, lots of little things
that seperately would be nothing, but together they could
be trouble....do not want to go down that road again.
Needed the day off to try and clear my head of some of the
shit, getting a real hard time off my boss because of my
attitude recently...you;d think after last year and how
close I came to losing it completely she'd understand, but
she seems to either completely not care or is trying to
push me into something..

She has less than no people skills so probably thinks she
can hard-ball me into snapping out of it and getting my
head sorted, but she's really only getting my defences up
even more....I used to regards her as a friend, now she is
merely BOSS!

Getting a lot of stick about not going to Xmas nights out
etc and being called anti-social etc...I'm not anti-social
at all, I just find it difficult. I get filled with fear
and dread before social events, to the point where I just
don't go...or if I do, then I need to drink to calm the
nerves, then I become Mr Arsehole and end up causing the
night to be worse than even I imagined....a self-fulfilling
prophecy or am I really as bad as I perceive myself to be...