once again
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2001-10-18 06:34:00 (UTC)

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I made this realization today. Amica is working so hard at
getting Dave back and I'm telling her everything that she
has to do to prove to him she is making it and that she is
strong. But look at me. I'm falling apart half the time
inside and act like none of this is destroying me. I
called Shawn today and Edonna answered and she said they
were just talking about me. So, all my worries that I had
at the time of him not meaning a word that he said flew out
the window. It was good to hear a neutral third party let
me know without me having to ask that he talks about me. I
liked hearing it. I hope that this vacation does something
good for us, for Patricia. I want so much for him to be
able to prove to her that he is sincere in all that he says
and does now. She has made these opinions of him and I
know that she hates the fact that I talk to him but I
refuse to take his side just yet. He has to prove to me
still. I called this guy that IM'd me on the internet and
luckily he asked me to call back on a different number
because his cell was dying and I never called back. I am
going to block his address off of my computer and hope that
the number didn't come out on his phone from the time I
called and his phone was off. I forgot *67. I just
thought to myself what the hell am I doing? I don't want
anyone else. No one can even turn me on. These guys get
my name and IM me from the chat rooms and I'll email them
a pic and they'll be like damn you are so hot. I'll get
their's and sure they're hot but I just don't want them.
Shawn Christopher Blue...Claudia Sara Panzella-Blue.
That's what I see and that guy called my house at 1:30 in
the morning and I told him that I was going to be in so
much trouble and hung up on him. I picked it up before it
finished ringing so hopefully I'm cool. Never again am I
calling anyone. No more, I'm changing my profile to
TAKEN. I emailed his mom today and I call her mom and she
even writes mom. I belong in that family. It just feels
so right. I know that I've been partly closed off from all
this and I want to be completely there. I'm scared and I
don't want to be let down. I'm protecting myself and feel
bad when I know that I'm not giving him the full chance.
But then why should I? He gave up early on me. Bad
endings and New beginnings....are they possible. Even with
the same person?

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