Revalations of a hippie
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2001-10-18 06:17:00 (UTC)

new or re-used info about myself

10:35 pm....October 16th

Hello freinds,
My life has been complicated and full of meaningless
people, I've become detached from myself and others and
have little or no social life due to the fact I live deep
in the heart of woods in the middle of nowhere, therefore I
have no-one to to talk to and I'm hoping to resolve myself
into a better lifestyle thru writing, perhaps to focus on
bettering myself soo here it goes.
I'm in my early 20's and have had a lifestyle very
unusual, I've grown up among adults who retain the
mentality of the 60's, drugs are the focus of the community
I grew in and children were treated as small adults, a very
free but shocking thing for a little kid, which I feel I
shouldn't have seen, with my parents I lived in the wood
for 18 years as the child of two fee thinking radicals, I
think this all will allow you the mindset to understand my
way of thinking later, not that I'm trying to shock or
impress, really I need a release that can't be seen by the
people I live with, which is my mom who is very controlling
and hurtfull, I lived a very poor poor hippie lifestyle and
I'm resentfull that I grew up here in the backwoods rather
then a close by city of north CA. I could be some-one else
completely but this is my life....my karma living itself
out another life I think......I do alot of metapysical and
meditation trying to sort out why I got this, and why I
continue to let myself slip into depressive
non-resistance state neverless, soo I'm writing it out...I
need to let some of my anger out and work on making life
work for me, at this point I'vebeen out of school for quite
a few years and have no work skills worth mentioning, I
went traveling last year to bali after I was fired but am
back at home with my parents which I hate in the middle of
no-where doing nothing but sulking. school was always not
my forte but rather of my brillant and spoled sister,
younger and the darling of us two, she was the one they
encoraged to go to school and be somthing, always got the
clothes when I lacked incredibly, and where I was abused as
a child she had all my fathers love which still to this day
is a hole in my heart, I am the fat, lazy and mis-
understood one, bad skin and ugly face I felt like my
father never was proud of me or understood that every smack
on my body and every ugly word affected my psyche. Do I
need therapy....yes, can I afford it no, I have soo many
problems I need to deal with but can't, they pile on me soo
hard I can hardly start to ttalk about pubicly. I have it
all,depression, drug abuse, abusive parenting and
drama...I'm so tired of all this bullshit why can't I just
snap out of it and start living my life right. My parents
make me feel soo guilty for wanting to be left alone, not
live up to my dads jewish hoity-toity family, or live with
my mom for the rest of my life because she's alone and her
lifes been shitty with my dad. I was happy living in the
city and now because my car broke down I'm stuck here to my
parents happy chagrin, they want to change me, to make or
lean me towards paths I don't want to take. I'm not going
to take suicide as a way to solve anything, but my mental
state is on high alert these days and I'm pissed at
everyone around me. Does this make sense? I work a little
and soon will have a car, but no sense of where or what to
do..when I was working in the city I at least had freinds
and a social life, it was a very unhealthy one, but I felt
free which isn't the case here, I'm being choked by
invisable hands and it sucks....ooh well I'll keep you
updated again soon. Peace.

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