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2001-10-18 03:35:00 (UTC)

You wish I was dead - and so do I

so it has come to this.
I didn't want it to.
I never asked for this or dreamed it could be this way.
I loved you.
I really did.
I did everything you ever asked of me.
Despite how it sometimes made me feel.
Despite the occasional hostilities thrown at me.
It didn't matter - I did it because I loved you and thought
you were worth it.
When you cheated on me it hurt in two distinct ways.
It hurt to not wake up beside you - to hold you, be there
ffor you, have you to talk to, or be able to be there
further for you.
It also hurt to experience relief from the daily exposure
of mental abuse in thee form of watching the one I love go
through the things you did everyday - I'm still traumatized
and seeing psychologists over that - not mention the
extreme stuff.
How do you go from hating the world/suicidal to kicking ass
and wanting children with me to cheating on me to hating my
guts and doing all in your power to hurt me further?
I've tried enduring the turbulence of being with you - and
I was treated like shit for it in the end.
I tried being a friend anyway - but not only was I denied,
but I was called down to the lowest publically, and the
fact that I have crohns disease was blatently broadcasted
via jokes at my expense (something I'm not into telling
everyone, but I guess it makes no difference now), plus I'm
told by you that you are not sure "I'm" a good friend
anyway and that you need to re-evaluate that for a few
years first? Thats what I need to be told by my most
recent best friend/lover while I'm going to three funerals
for sure.
I tried pulling my broken self together and moving on
without being a part of your life and vice versa - trying
to create a new reality for myself. It got easier once all
the pedaphile jokes targetted at me subsided. Two months,
three psychologists and a Cat Scan later I'm starting to
feel ok again - and you have your family send me hate mail
and make idle threats and vicous slander? I still can't
look at spiders or needles without wincing. I did NOT need
my head fucked with one more time for the road. I'm
keeping what I do have for evidence and if I get anymore I
will press charges.

I loved you so much and never once did I not fulfill what
was demanded of me.

I don't deserve this. I don't deserve being treated the
way you were by certain ex's of yours.

I would have died for you before. But why should I even
want to have anything to do with you now? I'm not even
saying anything - just look at the history and tell me
where to derive an answer?

It's like you wish I was dead...
just not as much as I wish I was dead
what's the difference

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