Writings On The Wall
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2001-10-18 02:20:57 (UTC)

It's been a while

I went without writing again. I just took 4 birth control
pills to catch up. Hope that won't fuck me up too bad. Oh
well. I am listening to StainD "It's been a while" right
now because that is the mood I am in. "It's been a while
since I could look at myself straight." So true. I think I
am addicted to addiction. I'm addicted to morbidity, I'm
addicted to tobacco, I'm addicted to pain, I am addicted to
black, I am addicted to caffine, I am addicted to addiction.

Pain never seems to stop with me. If it's not emotional
then it's physical. I can't get away from it. And the
physical aspect of it is going to destroy me. It is
destroying me. My stomach constanly aches for no apparent
reason. My eyes feel like they are being yanked out of
their sockets, and I cannot stand to look at my own face in
the mirror. Things used to be so much easier when I was
younger. I started to worry about adult things when I was
quite young. 9 years old to be exact.The self-destructive
thoughts started when I was 11. The only 5th grader that
wanted to die. Seriously, whole-heartedly wanted to die. I
learned very young to hide sadness because I didn't want to
make others sad. Like when I used to get teased starting in
elementary school, I didn't want to tell my mom all the
time becauuse I knew it would make her sad and one thing I
cannot stand is to see, or even think about my mom crying.
I can't handle it.

Sometimes my outer wrists ache right down the middle. Like
somthing is trying to tell me something. I ignore it, but I
swear that it happens. Out of nowhere sometimes. Even when
I feel happy. It's like a sick dream, only I'm awake.

If ther is anyone who reads this diary regularly, I guess
you can tell when I have my good days and my bad days. When
it rains it pours.

Well, I made a guestbook for my diary. If you wanna sign
it, please copy and paste this URL to your browser:

Thanks for your time.


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