The Nightshade Princess
2001-10-17 23:42:19 (UTC)

death becomes clearer through bloodshot eyes

I spent at least a half hour of the day on the
floor... just lying there. My mood swings got so bad today
I... I really don't know. I want to die. I have friends
basically duck taping me together every day.. James check
my wrists for new cuts, heather doesn't trust me with pills
of any sort, and Matt and Jackie try to keep watch over
myself and food. They almost killed me when I didn't bring
any food the other day for school lunch. I don't think
anyone noticed today though. I'm too weak. I had a bowl
of rice this afternoon for dinner. Honestly, I am getting
dizzy and losing it again... I feel so ugly and fat. My
stomach is the worst part of me, aside from my feet. It
bulges out and it's really gross. In the middle of a song
today, in Eurythmics, I gave up on myself, dropped my water
bottle, and left the circle of the other sopranos. My
teacher hates me now. She spoke to me in a disgusted voice
she does not use with anyone else, and I can't sing pretty
like the other grrls. She is so sick of my moodswings. If
I could help it I would. It's all my fault I know and I
can't make it right. This cold that seeps into my veins,
these scars on my wrists, this pain bleeding deep inside
me, the Sickness, the Cancer in my soul... it's all my
fault. I just can't fight it anymore. Something calls me,
but I don't even know what it is or how I can answer. My
love wraps his arms around me and there I find a little
peace. If only we could be together more often... but I
don't know when or where or how... I die in most of my
dreams, so that even the deathlike trance of sleep is no
sanctuary. Father won't be home for a long time, it's
night, and the lights are all out, save the ill, multi-
coloured brightness exuded by the computer. It's nearly 8
o' clock, and something has broken inside me. I love you