silentangel

Where am I?
2001-10-17 22:12:42 (UTC)

frustration

i am the worst person in the world, right when i think im
doing everything right and all, i have a tendency to fuck
things up majorly. i dont mean to hurt the people i care
about most. i just want things to be alright. theres
enough chaos going on in the external world that i dont
need it in my head. if i could change things i would. i
think im just mainly scared to hurt other people or scared
what i might do due to my depression. my bf has been so
understanding throughout this whole situation but i hate it
that it takes my lack of morals to have him be that way. i
love him with all my heart and i hate that ive hurt him
repeatedly. he doesnt need the extra stress. i think
thats why i do screw things up, so itd be easier for him
just to hate me cuz i hurt him too much by him loving me.
i dont want to lose him and i always saw him as the guy id
be with forever...we have so many memories together...hes
been my best friend and i feel like ive lost that. he has
every right not to trust me or to not be with me if thats
what he wants. long distance is just so hard. im selfish
and i crave affection, so i end up getting into trouble.
ive never been a good gf to him, i always have some problem
or bring him down for my own issues. so, jeff, if you read
this, im sorry...