VAMYR GUARDIAN ANGEL

Shadow
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2001-10-17 21:52:12 (UTC)

DAY OF LOSS

LET'S SEE.....IN MY FIRST ENTRY I TOLD YOU HOW ALL MY
PAIN STARTED. IN MY SECOND ENTRY I TOLD OF MY DESIRE TO
MAKE MYSELF BETTER WITHOUT THE USE OF MEDICATIONS.(OF WHICH
I TAKE ABOUT 15 DIFFERENT ONES)
NOW I REPLAY THE DAY IN MY HEAD AND SORT OUT ALL THE
BULLSHIT. I REALIZED LAST NIGHT THAT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH
MY GIRLFRIEND WAS OVER. I WAS SCARED OF BEING HURT AGAIN
LIKE SHE DID EARLIER IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND I ALSO
REALIZED THAT MOST OF OUR RELATIONSHIP HAD FORMED THE WAY
IT HAD BECAUSE I DIDN'T TELL HER HOW I REALLY FELT ABOUT
SOME THINGS. I WASN'T USED TO ACTUALLY BEING LISTENED TO.
AND NOW THAT I'M STARTING TO GAIN A SENSE OF RESPECT FOR
MYSELF, I KNOW THAT I WOULDN'T BE AS HAPPY AS I THOUGHT.
AND THAT WASN'T FAIR TO EITHER OF US. SO I BROKE UP WITH
HER THIS MORNING.......SHE DIDN'T TALK TO ME ALL FUCKIN'
DAY! I EXPECTED THAT, BUT IT STILL HURTS.
THAT'S TWO IMPORTANT PEOPLE I'VE LOST IN THREE DAYS.
FIRST:ASHLEY RAGLAND. YEAH, SHE WAS OBSSESIVE AND OVERLY-
JEALOUS. WASN'T VERY WELL STOCKED IN THE BRAINS DEPARTMENT
SO INTELLEGENT CONVERSATIONS WERE UNHEARD OF. ALL WE DID
WAS MAKE-OUT, AND THAT WASN'T EVERYTHING I WAS LOOKING FOR
IN A RELATIONSHIP. SHE FINALLY SAID TO HELL WITH ME
YESTERDAY, WHICH IS A RELIEF, BUT WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS FOR SO
LONG THAT HER ABSENCE IS NOTICED.(BUT MY G.A. MAKES UP FOR
THAT EASILY)
AND TODAY I LOST MY GIRLFRIEND, DIANE. AND WITH HER
WENT MY CHANCES OF LEARNING GUITAR WELL, SO I'M JUST GOIN'
TO HAVE TO TEACH MYSELF.(I'M GONNA SUCK!)AND ALL THAT SHIT
I WENT THROUGH TO GET HER BACK ALL THOSE TIMES.NOW I
REALIZE THAT IT ALL WAS WASTED TIME AND THE AMOUNT OF
AFFECTION AND LOVE I PLACED ON DIANE WAS OVERRATED. SHE
WASN'T ALL I NEEDED AND I WAS JUST HURTING MYSELF THE
DEEPER I SANK INTO DENIAL.
WHILE ALL THIS IS UNFORTUNATE, I AM NOT AS SAD AS I
EXPECTED TO BE. MY GUARDIAN ANGEL WAS THERE FOR ME, AND FOR
SOME UNKNOWN REASON, I FEEL BETTER WHEN SHE'S AROUND. BUT
THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.
MY HEAD STILL HURTS FROM THE FLASHBACK I HAD LAST
NIGHT.MY DEAD BROTHERS (NOT BIOLOGICAL, BUT WE BONDED AND
TOOK CARE OF EACHOTHER LIKE BROTHERS.) AND ALL THE BLOOD
THAT IS MY PAST CAME BACK IN SEVERAL DISTURBING SETTINGS. I
TRY AND TRY TO WASH THE BLOOD OFF MY HANDS, BUT THE MORE I
SCRUB THE MORE IT SPREADS AND SEEPS INTO MY SKIN,
CONTAMINATING MY SOUL AND BREAKING MY SANITY. IT SHOULD BE
BETTER BY TOMORROW, THOUGH.
I HAVE TO DO A WORK-OUT TONIGHT. I WORK OUT FOUR TIMES
A WEEK, MAINLY TO STAY IN SHAPE AND GAIN WIEGHT, BUT IT HAS
IT'S BENEFITS.(POOL PARTIES, FIGHTS ,ETC......)
BUT ONE OF MY FRIENDS JUST SHOWED UP, SO BYE.


-SHADOW


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