casey vespa

street knife fight
2001-10-17 18:03:54 (UTC)

this is me? wow, look at me rock

Study hall. Again. Bleh. I think im thirsty. There are
about 30 people all around me, all typing away and its
rather strange because i am in my own little world
here...sigh. SO...last time i wrote on here i had just made
a biiiiig mistake and hooked up with a guy i went with to
homecoming. I really did realize that it was NOT what I
wanted and i actually felt physically ill afterward. How
sad. My first kissing thing and i felt sick. I really get
mad too when people are totally shocked when they find out
how im not just some easy chick. Then again, i get very
uncomfortable when i hear so and so thinks im hot...which
is also sorta weird i suppose...but i CAN'T help it!
GRRRRRR. Someone told me the other day that they didnt even
think i was approachable. is that really bad? i asked my
parents about that and they were like, duh. you're a
pretty, smart, talkative girl. Of course they'd be
intimidated by you. But i really dont get it. I dont. I
just think i would be too loud and annoying...and laughy. I
am veryyy laughy...but i dont know where to draw the
line...i mean, i dont want guys to think im gullible or
anything. jeez. i am always confused. My most commonly used
statement is "i dont get it".
But other than all that, things are good. Hence the
title of this entry, look at me rock. Seriously i have
changed so much over the past few months its incredible. I
would never have thought i would end up where i am
now...yeah yeah, in study hall too. But, i mean, i have met
some great people and done some things which continue to
amaze myself. I am becoming very involved in art...i was
before but not as much through the school as now. Music
continues to interest me a great deal...all i wish is that
i could go to more shows...sigh.
There are times i really do want a boyfriend. My best
friend is so frusterated with me...she says im like a guy,
in that i dont really want a commitment. But i really am
not sure if thats completely true. If i met the right
person, im almost positive i would commit myself to them.
But so far the only guys who come after me just think im
hot or whatever and are lookin to get some. Sigh. I am just
all confused. Maybe i'll just avoid guys alltogether.
Either that or become some easy slut. Nah, thats not me...i
could never do that. I was all upset over just kissing
someone when i didnt mean it or want it. Man o man...i
think im about to make a really big mistake though. I think
im gonna go back to this guy i went out with for about a
week. We never even went out for reals...it was really
lame. I need something to happen here before i make a
really really bad mistake. Or maybe im just confused. Why
would i go back to him now? Actually, i think by kissing
someone else, i realized it should have been him. I have
this really heavy feeling of guilt and digust in
myself...man. I really am screwed up...sigh.
This is long. Wow. I always end up writing way more than
i intend to...and i really enjoy hearing from people if
they have something to say, just so ya know. Its nice to
hear that someone out there can hear me because we are all
a part of this world, no matter how far apart we are, we
are close enough to affect eachother...
I hope this day changes you in some way for the
better...more from me later.

*casey*