g ir l nex t d o or

Fire Lillies H2O
2001-10-17 06:25:43 (UTC)

today

Why can't there be parking? Let's have less cars, and can
we please only park in places where parking is permitted? i
just want to go in and sleep. I wish not to drive around
for 20 minutes while people who don't even live in my
complex chatter on their cell phones. shit!

I came from work feeling rather lifted up, and light. Then
went out to socialize for a few moments, and now feel worse.
I mean seeing people not bad. The fact that one girl is
timing a visit to see a guy that she cheated on her
boyfriend with...uhhh...why even? I mean, how is that
starting a positive relationship? I mean I have been in
some ditches, but not going to take any trips to
stupidville. I just hate the fact that probably the person
I love the most in world finds this legimate ways to spend
time scares me. I am a crossroad with the friends I have. I
have friends blowing big dough to be stylish a little more
than what they need to be...I think if you see these people
you'll know what I mean...They are normally the wealthy
with too much time and too little direction. They usually
have hordes of talent and even connections, but I don't
know what they are doing. The other half is close to
trailer trash. HAppy living in their drunken cirlces where
the imitate magazine pictures. They really think they are
living it up. I can't comprehend it. I don't understand quite where i
fit into the whole thing you know what I mean.

I feel like I want to stay far a way from it all like...small house,
garden, cat, nice meals with a few friends...I sound like an old
lady, but I just want the crap from this age to blow over. I mean
when does it stop being retarded? AM I retarded for saying that?

I don't know but I get so flustered and annoyed by it like I am too
particular about it all. Like I am writing this and I am feeling
better.Then people walk in and it is tainted. I changed my room
around to make it my own, I didn't want anyone in there, and now
people walk in and touch things. It's so odd. I used to want that as
a kid for people to walk in and check out my space. Now I am so
private about my space and I simply want it for my own...mine all
mine. Yes, that's where I am. I hate people fucking up the things I
make so nice. I treat it with such joy and care and then people shat
on it. I don't get it. I would think observation would allow the mind
to comprehend that somethings are not appreciated. I am not here to
care for you!!! So do not impede on my space. IF YOU WANT TO USE MT
HAND WEIGHTSGO BUY YOUR DAMN OWNYOU WULD NEVER LET ME BORROW
YOURSYOU WOULDN"T?EVERYthing is yours all yours....I have given
so genrously, here take this and that...will that help you? to
me ...not help...fuck you. really honestly fuck you. I hate this tie
I have to you. I wouldn;t hate the fact that I was your stepping
stone to this your current life if I felt I was even worth the breath
you use to speak to me. That's how worthless you make me feel. I
can't imagine how your child hood friends felt...no wonder they fuck
eachother now.
for the warmth and comfort you can never supply.
the love you spurt off to other people is not allowed to me.
I guess its better than pretending.
Oh, well, at least I can assume how you feel. I will simply tell you
less, and I will no longer help you. At least I know that others
respect and even depend on me, as much as I have grown dependent on
them...
so much too say...so little space in the world.
especially if one wants to sound rational.

-gnd