lindsay ann

i'd like to run away from you

but if i were to leave you, my heart would surely die.

those are lines from a song and i think it's called "i hate
you and i love you" or something like that. but that is
how i feel about literally EVERYTHING!!!!

school...well right now i hate it. but earlier today i
loved it. see what i mean? i mean i still wanna do
independent study soooo bad but oh well. no dice.

at least i get to achieve some other stuff...like i AM
going to get my permit soon, which will help me feel
independent. plus i am finally gonna take guitar so i can
learn chords for all my "song writing" i've been doing.
sadly, that's a lot.

and i will be working (if u can call it that) at church,
which will help, and since my dad's project passed i can
work for him more, too...which is major scoreness.

i still am not done w/ my caleb app...it's not due till the
end of february but still. hey it's 4 months till
valentine's.... (random? yesss, but i thought of it so
hey). i wonder what this v-day will be like. although i
entirely disapprove of such holidays, i always have this
teeny little secret hope that something will surface. it
never does.

oh and seeca and i have been talking about like relying on
God and stuff and being totally satisfied with him, which
is something i am really working on but nottt really doing
a good job but still. so, in an effort to be focused just
on God, i've been doing stuff like sitting in the back at
focus and avoiding certain boys at all costs. on one hand,
this is helping me cuz i've been praying a lot more and
that is a very nice thing. but it's also kinda stinky cuz
it's hard to make yourself not want something or not like
someone.

and then, to add insult to injury, i was in the car tonight
and i guess paul assumes that boys cause all my problems
cuz he had said something earlier about, "aggh, men!" when
i was saying "i just don't understand!" to eddie...and then
paul said to me a while later, "Linz, when is joe gonna get
his act together and make things happen with you guys?" so
it made me go "ohhhh noooo" because yeah well it just did.
stupid stupid stupid. i think if it wasn't such a public
affair it'd be way easier. but i've screwed myself over on
this one.