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anger emenates from my body
oh man im so frustrated right now, i dont even know why, i
feel like crying, i was so mad today, i flipped at everyone
especially will and jarred, like a whole bunch of times, i
just got MAD! it was crazy.. and chester was being dumb
and will's battery was dead and i was tired and feeling not
pretty and dashboard was sold out and ive been having girl
problems and i was staight up fighting with jarred and
should have just walked away right after school and gone
home but i didnt, i went to the mall, then to the gallery,
instead, and fuck, it messed up my day. im tired know, i
dont know if i will be able to handle this new job and
alyssa asked to train me to be head crew next year, this is
a lot now, and im nervous. and im sad and overwhelmed, i
want to cry. jim makes me cry, sometimes i wish i wasnt so
up on him.
shows are frustating me and boys are making me cry. i
realized starletta isnt where i want to be and alicia isnt
starletta. and i realized that seeing jarred and alicia
kiss and be together makes me sad, though it shouldnt since
i need to stop. im tired now and feel i need somthing in
my life that i dont have. its been a long time since i
spoke to jay and that makes me sad too. i will call him
tonight, even if its just to tell him i am ok and wish him
well. i hope hes fine and no one's dying or crying or just
plain empty inside, i heard a nice song today adn that too
made me sad...
emotioanlly broken boys make me want to fix them inside
because i think thats what they need or want, but its not.
boys and girls scare me, so does delaware and rape and
hate. maybe i am just a sad girl who is lonely. i dont
know if i trust my friends, or if they love me back. i
dont think i want to know though.
i feel sad and broken myslef, jaded against friendships and
commitment, reluctant to get close and do i dare say let
down my guard and give away my secret(s). i am mentally
exhausted but dont htink any amount of drugs or sleep or
food or tv can fix that, maybe i'll just put in some sad
acoustic and think of the people that DO love me, and cry a
little out, and miss what has gone and mourn what is lost.
plan and phase, grow and mature, talk and listen live and
let live, i suppose. maybe the answer isnt in a sad song
or thoughts in my head or a book i love to read, maybe the
answer isnt in pretension or anger or fear or hate or
rebellion or passion or a fleeting anything. maybe i
should live freer and calmer, positive and logically,
optimistic and care free; maybe i need to embrace my youth
rather than fleeing for it in search of better
understanding of live and purpose that i may not even be
able to grasp. maybe i need to stop crying and start
smiling, stop being 25 and start being 15. stop saving
everyone elses ass and stat helping my self, i dont want to
cut myself off, i just want to break myself in.
the truth is ive never left you.
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