Must i have some cute or catchy name for
In the beginning, there was the void....
Ok, so this is it. My online journal. Yeah, i know. It
may seem kinda lame, but it seems like a good way to let
the demons out to play for a little while.
I'm not gonna go into a bunch of crap about me or my
friends or my pets. You probably don't care what kind of
music i like or where i work. Some of my friends are the
only ones who are gonna see this, and they already know
everything they need to know about me. So, let's just jump
right in, eh?
Today has been a really good day so far, though it
started out kinda crappy. Woke up to my dad bitching at me,
sort of expected. I haven't gotten my research paper turned
in, let alone done, and i had to skip out on work. Oh well.
That was the bad stuff. I got my laundry done, so now
my clothes are all nice and pretty! YEA! Joey and i went
and did some swindling, once again sort of expected. By far
the best thing that happened today, and probably the best
thing that WILL happen today-SHE CALLED ME! STEPHIE CALLED
ME ON HER OWN! (for those of you who aren't familiar with
the Stephanie story, let me fill you in. I met her on
8.2.01 at the old[e?] Colony Theater in Valdese. She's an
and a damn good one if i may say so,
and she had come to see the play that night. We were
introduced through our friend Michelle. While we were
sitting in the upper area smoking during one of the breaks,
Steph tells Michelle that she broke up with Brad-again.
Come to find out, she should have dumped his sorry ass
along time ago. I have never met him, but i really don't
So Michelle says that i had just been dumped by
aka Akuji the Heartless for you PlayStation fanatics
-and says to Stephanie, "Why don't you two go out?"
Steph looks at me and asks if i want to go out sometime.
Not thinking much of it i was like, "sure, why not?" After
the show was over we went to her house and hung out for a
few minutes. Steph decided to come to Wa Ho (Waffle House)
with us that night. I was really impressed with her. She
was...captivating, enchanting. And i was smitten.
Damn Love Bug, someone hand me the RAID.
So Steph hung out with us some more and expressed
interest in me.
What the hell was she smoking???
And where can i get some??? :-)
I guess we were semi-sorta-quasi dating then, i don't
know. Then on 8.24.01 she tells me that she has decided to
go back to Brad, the dildo who treated her like shit for
the past three years. Yeah, it hurt, and yeah i was upset.
But the oddest thing is that i wasn't mad at her and i
wasn't pissed off. In the place of anger was concern. I was
worried about her, because i could tell that this wasn't
what she wanted and that she knew it was gonna end badly. I
felt sorry for her because i had been exactly where she was
then. So i let her go, but didn't let go of her. Somehow i
knew that whether we were dating or just friends, i knew
that she would be back.
I hope i don't sound like too much a freak saying this, but
i really think that Stephanie and i need each other in a
way. It's hard to explain, but hopefully she will
understand. I think it may be because...well, fuck. I don't even
understand. Oh well.
We ran into each other at the opening show of The
Foreigner. She came up and say hi to Joey, and then to me.
I looked at her, gave a half smile and waved. She
said, "Don't give me that," but not in a harsh tone. It was
more like, "get over here and hug me, you know you want
to". I honestly didn't think i was giving her anything,
really, but the reason i didn't get up and hug her at first
was because Joey was in the way. I finally did hug her, and
it was...it was hard. I fell totally in love with this girl
in a matter of days, and then she killed me by going back
to that womanizer. It was difficult to let all of that
slide; it was hard to just forget about all of that. To
this very day i can't forget about that. Later we were
smoking outside and she pulls me to the side to talk to me.
She tells me that things were already going sour and that
he was back to his same old shit. All i could do was
snicker about it and say "i know". She took that as me
being prideful, sort of saying, "told ya so", but that
wasn't it at all. I can't explain why i laughed, but i can
say that it was not pride at all.
Look at me, what do i have to be proud of?!?! Jesus!
When she was leaving she hugged me and said she loved
me. And regardless of how much i wanted to tell her that i
loved her too, the RAID hadn't worn off yet and all i could
do was stand there.
I paged her three days later and she never called me
back. I took it as her saying, "fuck off", so i let it go and let her
live her life. I found out later that Brad found it and demanded to
know who it was. She told him, he flipped out just like any
over-possesive, jealous, control-freak asshole would, and
that is why she didn't call me back. I took it as her
saying, "Fuck you". So i left it at that and thought
nothing more of it. Yeah, i still thought about her and
still hoped that i would hear her voice everytime i picked
up the phone, but i knew that i had to close up before it
got too bad.
So on 9.21.01, Jon, Adele and i went to IHOP because
Waffle House blows. As soon as we step in the door i had a
body in my arms without even knowing who it was. Guess who.
She told me that night that she and Brad had broken up
again and that she had been looking for me ever since.
Always on my guard, i thought, "why? Why me?" Steph came
and sat with us and it seemed like everything was back to
the way it was before. To make the rest of a long story
short, Steph likes me, i hope. And i know how i feel about
her, but we were both afraid of getting hurt in another
relationship. We decided that we do want to be together,
but we both need to take it slowly. I can definatly handle
that. Believe me, this girl is more than worth waiting for!
And i now have a "quasi-girlfriend"! I am just afriad that
we will inadvertantly go to fast, like the first time, and
even though this will make me sound like less of a man than
i already do, i am terrified of getting hurt again. It's
not only that, but i am even more afraid of getting hurt by
her. No matter what type of relationship we are in, i like
this girl and i want her to hang around. That whole "Let's
still be friends" deal is a crock of shit, and if something
does happen i don't want it to turn out the way things between
me and Akuji did. Ok, that's the Stephanie story).
It was kinda wierd. The phone had been ringing off the
hook all day and it was starting to piss me off. It rang,
like, 6 times in a row! I mean, come on people! Leave me
alone! I had just hit the off button when it rang again.
With the usual dose of profanity thrown in, i said "this
better be good"! I'd say it was good. I'd say it was REAL
good. She did tell me, however, that she had had a long
talk with Brad last night, 10.15.01, and that he is trying
to get back together with her. This didn't bother me in the
sense that, "Hey someone else is moving in on her!". But it
does bother me because she still cares about him; she
still wants him to be someone who he is not. I am afraid that he
knows she still cares about him and he is gonna take advantage of her
because of that. I am afraid that she will leave me, of course i am
afraid of that. But i am even more so afraid that she is going to get
into a situation she doesn't need to be in, i am afriad that she
will get hurt again. And, believe me, this is one girl who
does not deserve that.
-ok, stop reading. i'm done.-
oh, yeah. Woot.