bunnyintheheadlights

Wicked Bunny
2001-10-16 21:39:12 (UTC)

The First Entry - Scary

First entry.....

I guess this is a place for me to spill my guts about
everyday stuff, and to record and revel in those little
bright moments..... OK here we go.....

It's true what one of my friends said yesterday, that most
people cannot understand my reasons for feeling so unhappy.
I have a stable family, enough money, nice possessions, I'm
reasonably intelligent, I have food, a roof over my head,
and friends - these things are a dream to a lot of
people. I should be more grateful for them I guess.

Perhaps my life has been too easy; too cushy for my own
good. Maybe I grew up too soft to deal with everyday
emotions.

I cut 11 times today, although only 5 will scar. Some days
I'm so happy (we're talking being-amazed-by-paperclips
happy), and other days I can barely stand it. Today was one
of the latter - burst into tears on the way out from
school, I guess I just couldn't hold it in any more. Was
taken back into school by a teacher and am going to talk to
another teacher tomorrow break, but what good can that do?

I agreed to let mum get back in contact with my old
psychiatrist - perhaps I'll go back into therapy, perhaps
I won't. Mum gets upset when I harm myself..... can't be
nice seeing something you create destroy itself. Other than
put me on drugs to "turn off" the emotions, I don't think
there's anything else they can do that hasn't been tried
(and failed) before. I don't want to go back on any kinda
meds, but if that's what it takes to get me through life
then perhaps I will need to.

I have a new way of thinking about self-harm, a more
positive way of talking about it. If someone were to ask
what happened to my arm, or even if I just asked myself,
the answer would be "I used to self-harm".
Every day that I don't harm myself, and get asked that
question, I will reply that I used to self-injure. That way
every day is a new start. Perhaps one day it will be true.