eidolon

shifting mists
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2001-10-16 15:42:38 (UTC)

still under that parental thumb ...

8:40 am

Mom says this morning, "Later today you, your grandmother and i are
going to sit down together and talk about our individual problems
with all of us living here together AND our problems with YouR
problems ... see if we can't work something out."

... in other words ... i'm gonna be sitting down with my mother and
grandmother later today for a fucking BiTcH session in which they're
going to tell me all the things that i do wrong and that i could do
different to make things easier for everyone else while they play
innocent .... what a fucking joke ...

... not ONLY this ... but i guess now i'm fat enough that mom has
decided to enforce dieting upon me (~sarcasm~ i must have
gained weight while i wasn't looking) ... she informed me that i am
to weigh myself every night and keep track of it on a tablet in the
bathroom ... that when i go to Canada i'd "better come back not
having gained any weight" while i was gone ... that if i gain weight
instead of lose while either here OR in Canada that "there will be
repercussions" ... she didn't tell me what repercussions, but
whenever she used that word in the past it's always meant that it's
gonna be something rather unpleasant ...

... oh yeaah .... and also ... not under any circumstances am i to
mention around Dad that i'm going to Canada to see Jeremy ... she
outright told me that i'm expected to lie about it instead ....

... i have come to the recent realization that family loyalty/family
probity and love are not even CloSe to the same thing ...

... this entry is time stamped so that i can come back and
vent/update after the three of us women have that little blame and
dictatorship session ...


11:45am

... well ... let's see .... parents having gone into town and left
grandmother behind ... i did what i could around the house today
without her watching me ... it's the way i work ... *shrugging* ...
always has been .... i hate people watching me while i clean or work
and so i always do my tasks when left alone ...

... anyway ... i ran into grandma in the hall and she gave me a
little insight into the session going on later today ... seems her
and mom have been plotting together and not only will this be a
bitching session about me, but also that they have plotted together
to put me on a "schedule" of sorts ... i will have the details later
but from what she describes the "schedule" would dictate when i can
sleep, when i can do the things around the house, when it is that i
have spare time and what i'm allowed to do with that time, etc ...

BullfuCkingShiT!!

.. not only that, but it was just a couple of months ago that mother
and i worked out the whole schedule for me waking at a certain time
in the morning and what she’d like me to do around the house ... as
well as only using the computer during certain times during the
day .. and now THAT’S not enough?? ..

... i'm sorry but .. i sleep when i'm tired .. and my spare time is
MinE to do with as i see fit ... i am not changing my hobbies just to
fucking suit them .. and i am certainly not working around here at
times when Dad can sit back and watch me like i'm some kind of
slave ... ChRisT!! ... i'm already miserable here ... and now they
want to just add to it and make it even worse ?!?! ...

... i also know that grandma "slipped up" by telling me this ... that
the reason mom didn't say anything about it was so she could just
spring it all on me at once so i'd be surprised and not be able to
form my objections .... compliance through surprise and
speechlessness ....

... i fucking pay RenT HeRE!! .. i am NOT toeing the line and kissing
boots for these people .. i don't give a flying fuck if they aRe
family ... *sigh* ... maybe it's time i leave and begin living in my
car again .... that hospital inpatient stay is coming up soon so i'd
only be living in the bug for perhaps 2 1/2 months at the most before
i'd get a reprieve and be staying there at the hospital anywhere from
4 - 7 weeks ....

... i don't know ... it's an option .... *shrug* ... i'm still
waiting to see how the "meeting" goes ...


5:45pm

... okay ... well ... so how did things go with the meeting? ....
hmmm .. the meeting itself was extremely difficult and stressful ...
there was a LOT of finger-pointing in my direction ... but. ..
fortunately, due to grandmother's "slip up" in telling me what was
going to be discussed i was able to prepare my arguments accordingly
beforehand and even get some points out about certain things before
they could bring them up ... in beating them to the punch on those
issues (namely the whole "schedule" idea and doing my work around the
house while dad can see me) i was able to keep those under my control
and destroy their goals before they were even mentioned ..

... there was indeed a lot of bitching ... interestingly enough,
because i was prepared with my defense before we began i was able to
come back with the truth ... so ... by the end of the session i had
managed to take those fingers that were pointing at me and dismember
some of them while redirecting the others to their proper places ..
namely at dad and themselves .... i took the blame for the things
that were mine .. but gratifyingly was able to redirect all of the
blame for everything that wasn't mine ... and in the process i was
also able to explain some of my own issues ...

.. so ... all in all .... though the session itself was horrible at
the beginning .. by the end it was going my way ... *shrugging
grin* ... not often things work out so well and in my favour ... but
definitely a relief that they did this time ...

Brightest Blessings,

- zoie


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