point of sadness

dystopia
2001-10-16 09:46:15 (UTC)

.......i hate the games and the lies, why couldn't i see it through your eyes.....

Journal,

Today was a terrible day. I woke up late for work
because my "thoughtful" roommate decided to turn my alarm
off so I could sleep in. I can't get this girl out of my head
she occupies every thought now and she absolutely
terrifies. I've never fallen so hard for anyone in my
entire life and I don't think I could survive getting hurt
by her. I don't think she could or would ever hurt me but
still..... I can't help being scared. Every time I talk to
her I see something new that I love about her. It's so
uncanny how much we have in common. I feel like I'm on the
outside looking in as she reads my own thoughts and
expresses them to me. I just can't believe that I have
found someone who might actually be able to understand me.
She is the first girl that I've ever been interested in
that's actually at my level. I just want someone that I
feel that I can talk to w/o having to step down a bit w/.
Amanda was smart, possibly the smartest girl in school but
I could never seem to talk to her on the same level that I
feel I connect to this girl. She is absolutely
incredible.....and I hate myself for being so afraid of
her. I ran today because it was one of my dark days. I woke
up and I didn't even want to live. I would have felt better
if I could have run more but my POS brand new boot broke
and I was forced to walk. I barely even broke wind too. I
am really pissed at that, I liked these boots a lot. My
piercing has decided that it wants to recede into the
piercing holes too, so that's been an annoyance lately. I
need to get a hoop for it so I can clean it and it will
heal right. My friend broke down in Kentucky and couldn't
make it back today. Hopefully he'll change the piercing for
me tomorrow. I felt like I spent the entire day stumbling
through the darkness, searching for a ray of hope when I
knew it didn't exist. I felt so hollow today and devoid of
feeling that I wanted to hurt myself just to make sure that
I exist. I went to work and focused every single thought on
getting sales so I couldn't think. I pulled 9 lines and
ruled the bay but it didn't make me feel any better. I
still had way too much time to think after work. I had to
buy cigarettes because all of the places that sold cloves
were closed. I keep thinking about getting pills for the
depression but I don't want chemical bliss. If I want a
temporary solution I'll get drunk or baked, either way I
get slammed back into reality eventually. I just wanted to
be left alone today but nobody wanted to leave me alone.
Everyone decided that they were going to be my friend
today. It was pissing me off really badly. I need to stop
keeping this all inside but I can't help it. I hope this
darkness that I hate doesn't drive this girl away. My
feelings are so deep for her and she feels the same way for
me. Green came to me today w/ his I'm so depressed act and
I blew up at him. I think that he believes I hate him now
and right now I really don't care if he does. I wish for
once he could be feeling what I'm experiencing right now.
He would stop this pity crap. I wish I could find a way to
get over days like this. Every thought I have is tainted
but this uncontrollable feeling of hopelessness and
despair. WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONE DAY IN MY
ENTIRE LIFE!!!!! I hope this isn't a long one. Maybe I'll
be ok tomorrow. I desperately hope so. It probably won't
happen though. I'm laying the self-pity on pretty thick
right now, so I guess I should just end this entry. God I
hate this.....