2001-10-16 06:27:15 (UTC)

Skeletons In My Closet [ . : fu c K ing I N D o orG rav e 0ya r D : . ]

this installment is a mother of vents. I think I can ease
into it.

Today I had a CT Scan. I got to see my brain in cross
sections. I felt weird. Like my memories at that moment
might effect the outcome, so I tried to think of something
positive. I thought of Jade, then I felt guilty for
thinking of Jade cause she might not want me to think of
her in an endearing way, then I thought of how that was
silly, then I thought of all the times we made out, the
prom, walks, movies, all the memories I truely treasure.
Then I almost felt like I had no right to think of those
things - like I was violating something, some kind of trust
or what by thinking of it. Then I realized I still long
for it and it is likely one-sided - and maybe I was feeling
her opinion of me thinking it. But then I thought that
couldn't be the case because of last summer - when I hadn't
seen her in 6 years, had been holding the torch the whole
time. She cried when she found out - so did I... But she
helped me clean out my closet of all previous hangups and
unanswered questions - even all the ones that had nothing
to do with her. Then she had one of her own - an ex in
Saskatoon. I was determined to help her too - even though
her ex wanted to start a family. I felt like I was
spiritually commiting suicide, but my level of respect for
her demanded it. Yet, not always, but we did cuddle a lot
that summer, slept curled up with each other or beside each
other, kissed a few times (that was heaven - her lips taste
like the sweetest taste I've ever known....). She twice
said she wasn't going to go, that there were too many signs
to not go, that she wanted to stay with me.

I fucked up twice - trying to do the right thing for her
both times...

Then I felt stupid - and longed for her. It suddenly got
cut off by guilt again, but this time my mind was imagining
Breezy's entire personalities just violently erupting at me
for thinking of her. Images of rage and frustration on
Breezy's face - strained with emotion, eyes wild, in tight
PVC pants with bondage straps, and a homemade PVC halter-
top with fur along the edges from her fur coat, the Ryo-
Ohki backpack I bought her strapped on, one of the wildeyez
white contact lenses in her left eye (which I partialy
bought her) - frantically crying out hatred at me for my
thoughts - she, ripping off her gloves and mutilating her
right arm, was going through her rages again - still at
events that didn't happen though. Only this time I at
least was guilty of thinking something, but then, she
wasn't really there this time - this is all in my head as I
get my CT Scan....

Do I think of Jade more now because Breezy insisted so
often in her rages that I do?

Am I alone?

The CT Scan is done and I try to have a sense of humor with
the nurses. Then I ask to see the images. They don't want
to comment on them, but let me see them all the same. I
thank them and go to the waiting room where Natalie is
waiting for me - a girl I just met moments before this Cat
Scan... Weird first impression.... So I try to relax and
have fun - interact with her trying to be as much myself as
possible (shutting out the imagery from before, but its
hard - the last time I was there was with Breezy...)

She seems cool. We both agree on a lot of stuff - noteably
the conscious effort to not see anyone in any serious
capacity. I don't know if she's truely on that, but it
doesn't matter. I do find her attractive so far though.
Should I? Would it be a personal ideaological vilation to
do so? Do I love anybody? Does it matter? Do I matter?

Until someone help me validate these points in a meaningful
way - fuck it.

Maybe I should become a toy
A public plaything
In other words
A worthless commodity
Would it really be worth less than what I am now?
Was I ever worth anything in the first place?
Isolation makes strong arguments....

Well - this is not what it set out to be