2001-10-16 03:41:30 (UTC)

unknown at the time

i didn't like today. first its too hot. its 8:37 and its
incredibly hot even w/ my window open. so i got that off
my chest. we have to do this incredibly limited essay in
english, its supposed to be reflective on a personal
experience. well, i haven't done jack shit with my life.
ive always been an observer. i can't say thats the best
way to live, but thats how ive been living so i coudln't
really type much. btw, we had to do it in class for 2 or
three days. thats so fucked up, i have no idea what her
motives are for not letting us do it at home. anyway, i
decided to do it on the 9-11 incident and my utter apathy.
i thought about it earlier and i thought i had a pretty
decent idea, considering my options. around the end of the
period, i knew that my essay sounded extremely ignorant,
basic, obvious, and crappy. i finally figured out why, it
was because i was focusing on forgeting the past and just
MY guilty self-critisizing subconscious. i was supposed to
do it on not letting society or expectations/assumptions
even affect your life. at least i got 1 or 2 more days,
hopefully i can finish it by then. either way, im not
going to do a good job, plain and simple. i don't do well
in anythign i do, always c's and d's, and yet i get a's and
b's on report cards and im in all this honors and AP shit.
i dunno. its way to hot. im not into organization. i saw
some other diaries and they gots paragraphs and stuff, im
not into that. too hot for that i guess. anyways. i had
something to type. or maybe i didn't. i guess it was to
say that i never gave a crap about the 9-11 'tragedy'. it
didn't affect me. so i don't care. i don't care what i
can't affect; see, thats the quote i was focusing on during
my essay, which fucked me up. im really prone to worrying,
and self-critisizing and self-mutiliation. i think it runs
in the family or something, i dunno. anyway, if i get a
bad grade, i don't care, so many reasons not to.
everything equals out, my pessimistic yin-yang. i don't
know, im talking out of my ass now, im just rambling,
anything can sound intelligent, my brother was good at bull
shitting stuff like anarchy. my opinion as of now on
government, standstill theory set aside, i think tiny
communes of willing intellingent anarchists with no sense
of possession would work. but as soon as it becomes
mainstream, we're fucked. if you think about it, power is
relative. in anarchy, we're all equal, therefore, we're
all powerful. we'll corrupt. we all will. we're all
slaves to something. there i go again.