am i hurting you too?
2001-10-16 03:37:58 (UTC)

+...painful inclination...+

i don't know what to do...i am bisexual, and have been with
a lesbian girl for about 3 months. i need to break up with
her though...i can't keep hurting her like this! i can't be
her dependancy! i can't handle this....i don't want to have
a panic attack. im sorry im sorry im sorry. why are the
voices in my head so fucking loud?! im sorry stephanie. i
still love her. i always have. thats why i have to break up
with her. i can't stay with her. she deserves better than
me. im a fucking selfish bitch. "selfish bitch, you dirty
whore...i fucking hate you and i will haunt you until the
day you kill yourself! go ahead, just try to kill me! just
try it kiersten! slice your wrists! cut! cut! CUT!"
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!1 shut the fuck up...please stop
screaming at me...please please please! no no no no no no
no...i just cut myself....theyve been deeper lately...just
like when they put me in the hospital. 22 stitches that
time. these need stitches, but i think theyll do
without...i hate these voices. they won't leave me
alone...please shut're hurting me. why does it
hurt so much to smile? why does the pain interpret this
way? why do i keep cutting at whats inside me, when i can't
get any deeper? i almost killed myself once, why dont i
just try again? i know thats what they all really want. my
dad with his harsh words, my sister with her false tears,
my brother with his loving care, my mom with her hard
fists, and jonny...jonny with the voices...they all scream
in my head....wanting to be let out...let out with my
cuts...they tell me the truth...of what a selfish bitch i
am...a dirty whore. why do i love GOD? because she is
everything im not...
i hate myself...release me from this painful inclination we
call life...i want to die...why wont you kill me? stab me
goddamnit! stab out my fucking eyes, and my heart, rip me
from the inside out! i want to be torn apart! i deserve
every stab of the sharp daggar! SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE!
my inclination is my cutting. my cutting is my addiction.
please tear these voices from my head. it hurts to smile.