My Chaotic Life
2001-10-16 03:17:26 (UTC)

No control

My life is out of control right now. I have just gotten
into a huge fight with my mother which ended up with me
leaving the house and of course coming back because I have
no where to go. There is no way for me to talk to that
women because she can never see both sides of anything. I
can tell when I am wrong and I can see my flaws but she
can't and she'll do anything to ignore her faults. The
fight was about my cell phone. It was a birthday gift in
June which I ended up losing in july or august. So I ended
up paying $123 for a new one. Last thursday I went out with
the people that used to be my friends and two days later I
went to grab my cell phone and it was gone. Now this time I
didn't do something stupid and set it down anywhere. I
didn't even take it out of my purse. But she is tired of me
being so irresponsible and stupid because of course it must
be my fault. Its my fault people in this world are terrible
and steal things and end up hurting people.

Now she says she wants me off her account for the phone so
instead of letting me replace it again she says she is
going to cancel my contract and make me pay the $250
cancellation fee plus then I'd have to buy a new phone and
then pay to have my own contract. Which pisses me off
because she got me into this whole mess by getting me a
phone in the first place. And lately I have been under so
much stress with how everything in my life has fallen apart
on me. And I hate that feeling when you lose something
because you can't go back and fix it. You can't try really
hard to make it not have happened. I hate how I have no
control over it. I really hate everything about my life. It
seems that this accident has knocked me off balance and set
of a chain reaction of more bad things.

Other then my relationships with my parents being non
existance, I don't feel close to anyone right now. I feel
like I need to talk to someone and there is no one that
will listen. There is no one to help me and I don't know
what to do. I really wish I could talk to my boyfriend but
I don't know where he is. He got put in juvinile detention
because of some bad influence friends and his hearing was
today and he was supposed to be released to his parents. So
I waited all day with the phone next to me for him to call
or even his dad to call to tell me what had happened but
the phone never rang. So I don't know where he is and I
need him. Or anybody but there is no one there. Its kind of
ironic because I am always the person people come to when
things are going bad and I listen to them all and I give
great advice and help them fix there lives but no one has
ever helped me. And boy do I need it.

Right after I came back after the fight I tried to talk to
my mom and get her to understand what I was going through.
Why I do things I do and say things I say but it just
turned into another screaming match and then she brought up
my father like she always does. She said how I still wanted
everyone to feel sorry for me because my father left me.
But again things like that don't leave you...ever. Sure you
push them down and you pretend that they never happened but
still they are always there. Its like I'm wounded inside
and I'm hurt and bleeding but noone can tell. And its not
like anyone would care if they knew.

I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't think my
life will ever get any better. I am so trapped here. I told
my mom this house was like a prison cause I can't get out
and I hate it. My whole life is shit and I don't see a
point to even being alive..I really don't. I'm just to
scared to try anything to end it. I think about it and I
plan it but I'm to terrified to go through with it because
it is so final and even when I decide I don't care about
that I'd be worried I'd mess it up. But everyone else would
be so much better off I think.