Innocent Girl, Interrupted
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2001-10-16 03:12:15 (UTC)

Monday - 10.15.01

I felt incredibly weak this morning. I woke up and just
felt like I could fall over at any second. Since I cant
drive until my next EEG, Jared takes me to school, and he
picked me up a little early this morning so we could drive
through Arby's and I could get some breakfast. Today was
all okay until I got into my 4th block class.

I walk in and this girl named Brittany is like, "Who are
you going out w/?" and I was like "No one.." and she
goes "Well, then who are you talking to?" and I was
like "No one.." and she goes, "Well, Forest is pissed b/c
he says everytime he sees you, you're with Jared."
(Forest=ex) She said he walked into lunch all like "Gosh, I
hate Jessi! Everytime I see her, she's all w/ Jared! Does
anybody wanna go out on a date w/ me?!" trying to get a
date to make ME jealous just b/c he is... and I really dont
care if he goes on a date or not. So when I got home, and
Jared was w/ me, I sent him an email that was like "Okay,
you said you wanted to keep this clean. You hate me b/c I'm
always w/ Jared? Get over it. You're being the biggest
hypocrit saying you dont want me saying anything about you,
yet you run your mouth off about me. Go find yourself a
date and get over me. Oh, and by the way, Jared is sitting
here w/ me and he says HI!"

So he writes me back and tells me that he's got a date w/
Angela (my ex best friend.. lovely choice, eh?) and that if
Jared and me ever wanna double, to let him know. Full of
sarcasm. I just wrote him back and told him that Jared and
me have better things to do then deal w/ his crap, and he
and Angela can go off by themselves. Yea, I'm pissed. Not
that he asked out Angela, but b/c he's so fake! He was only
recently talking about how much he cant stand Angela b/c
SHE'S fake and ugly, and flaunts her body... my gosh. I
dont understand him. He's just jealous that I got over him
and am happy.

Jared and me ended up going and renting "Girl, Interrupted"
tonight b/c I needed to get an intro for my prose in drama.
We were doing just fine until the point where Lisa and
Susanna are in Daisy's house, and Lisa noticed Daisy's
cuts, and then she hung herself. Jared broke down crying
b/c last year, he was like Daisy. Sat around thinking about
how many different ways to kill himself... he cut
himself... he was losing it. Thank God, no one ever sent
him over the edge... but anyway, it was emotional for him
to watch it and see for himself what he was like, and he
cried. It's the worst thing in the world when he cries... I
hate it. And plus, he was sent to a teen psych ward for a
week last Spring. His mom found his cuts and pulled him out
of school one day, and took him there. It was aweful b/c no
one knew where he was... he just dissapeared, and had no
contact w/ anyone... but while he was there, he kept a
diary to me, which I still have.

Anyway, he eventually calmed down, and 8:30 rolled around,
so he had to go home. Once home, he called me... and I dont
know what was wrong w/ me. I had felt withdrawl... like I
missed him incrdibly bad. I felt alone... I started feeling
depressed... my body seemed to fall asleep and I couldnt
move. I felt like I was floating... my eye itched, and I
couldnt lift my hand to rub it... and then I started
hallucinating and couldnt tell dream from reality. I had
this small vision of me at school at my locker, and Forest
came up and said something to me that I didnt like, I was
going off on him. I started yelling, and throwing stuff out
of my locker... and then I ran to Jared's class and told
him that I was running away and if he wanted to come w/ me,
he better come now. And then I snapped out of it... it was
so weird. But all that anger and hatred I had felt in the
dream, I still felt. I didnt know if it had happend that
day, or if I was dreaming.

That's not the only time it's happend. This morning while I
was waiting for Jared to come get me, I had a vision that I
was sent to a mental hospital, and Jared had cut himself
just so his mom would send him there, too... and when he
walked in, I ran to him and we hugged and cried, and ended
up escaping. I didnt know what was going on when I snapped
out of it. That happends all the time though... I get
something on my mind, and I get so involved, I cant tell if
it really happend or not. And the scary thing is, sometimes
down the line, I MAKE it happen... just like I imagined.
It's really weird. I duno what the heck is going on... I
feel like I'm losing it.