listen to my silences
2001-10-16 02:48:57 (UTC)


people can be so cruel know? and the
hardest thing in the world is when you know you can't do
anything at all about it and you have to sit back and watch
your best friend go through hell. you want to be able to
do something so much, but people have to make their own
decisions in life. confused yet?

brodie's still really upset...and i feel like i can't do
anything to help him. at all. if i could put his
girlfriend through what she's putting him through, i
would. not that i don't like her, cause i don't have any
problem with her at all, except for what she's doing to
him. i just feel...useless. i mean, i know my friendship
means a lot to him, and i would never want him to not come
to me. i couldn't live with myself if that happened. it's
just...i want to be able to solve this, to have the answers
to it. but i can't. and that realization is so hard to
accept. our dream worlds are so much easier to live in
than actual reality.

i'm still frustrated with myself...the whole college
thing. i don't know what to do, where to go, who to turn
to...i guess i should be used to this by now, but no. i
know i have to get myself together, the actual doing of
that is what's hard.

i went to the jail to see stephen today. he's doing so
well. i can't wait till he gets out. january 13th is the
date we're looking at. people are funny, you know? they
freak when i tell them my older brother is in jail. i get
weird looks and people almost become afraid of me. it's
hilarious. oh yeah, some 5'1" girl is gonna do some major
damage, let me tell you...yeah, right. (just don't tickle
me and i won' all who know from experience) but,
yeah, he's doing really well. his attitude is
just...amazing. the amount of insight he has on everything
is astounding. you can learn so much from those around
you, and i guess i never really realized that until today.
brodie came with me, as always. i told him he didn't have
to come, i don't want him to think i'm dragging him along.
he said he wanted to be there, and i'm really glad he
came. just to know that someone does care what you're
going through, no matter what they're going through, means
a lot to me. not that my other friends aren't like that,
it's just...oh, i can't explain it. he just proved it i
guess is what i'm saying. i don't know. and i'm sure any
of them who read this are gonna reply to it. *sigh* i've
got a lot of explaining to do i can already tell.

kells seemed ok, till i read her entry. i'm really worried
about her. she seems so...depressed. i love her to death
and hope she realizes that. g seemed to be ok at school,
but distant online. i haven't read his entry yet. he's
real excited about the band's new cd. i'm gonna get the cd
the first day if possible. i haven't heard their songs in
forever. i'm glad we've stayed kinda close
through...everything. he's a really cool guy, and i don't
think he realizes that.

well, time to attempt to sleep. yeah, i know, good luck.

final thought: does anyone ever truly listen, or take the
time to understand what something means, without opinion,
bias, without a one-track mind?