Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2001-10-16 01:41:34 (UTC)

Ramblin's...

Here I am, away from all the evil that conspires against
me. Sometimes it leads me to wonder if anything at all is
right. Mom and ashley were fighting earlier about her
being able to see dad for thanksgiving, and how the
'lawyer' says its not cool. Im sittin there, thinking,
whatever! I mean, shes the only one that doesnt want her
going. It doesnt matter to me if I dont like the guy, she
does, and she deserves her own rights and one of them is
the ability to see her father if she so wishes. It isnt
our place to judge the actions of others, it isnt our place
to judge at all. In Romans, it says that we have no right
to judge others, and the way we judge others we ourselves
will be judged. The law we hold to ourselves the Lord with
judge us with. If you have any fear of God at all, taht
will get you not to judge. Whats amusing to me, is people
look at me, and they dont know my heart, but they give me
horrible looks, like Im scum. I am a good person, I try to
obey God and have a good heart. Thats just me. Im purdy
understanding. It actually, amuses me that people judge
me. I find it kind of funny. And I pray for them. Im not
worried about others sins, Im worried if they know God or
not, im not here to point out mistakes, Im here to aide
others in their walk with God, and to live as upright a
life as I can. If I call myself a Christian, people look
at me, and judge me by what I do. If i cuss, theyre like,
thats not christian, hypocrite. If i listen to bad music,
hypocrite. If i judge, hypocrite. Im not saying Im above
anyone or my life is any worse, I guess Im trying to sort
things out in my heart. I know most the feelings I have I
shouldnt have, and I pray about that every day. God points
out my mistakes to me, and I know he will help me if I ask.

I got the new P.O.D. cd, satellite. Its pretty good. I
havent heard the whole thing yet, but im listening to it on
my brand new headphones. *grin* Thanks Daddy for the $20
present. I needed a Christian rock cd. I have
contemporary christian, ska, and punk, but no christian
rock. :-D Now i do. :-D Ahhhhh.... rock. I feel so
much at home now. Rock and Metal.... they are really great
forms of music. Ska is so much fun, and is the type of
music that gets you going. Rock and Metal are just kinda
like, I donno, comforting to me, it makes me feel complete.
Contemporary, and alternative are relaxing. I guess Im a
rocker. And a punk. And a freak. That is, a JesusFreak,
if your trying to classify me. I do, I know, but I try not
to. Im happy just being me. For one of the few times in
my life, I can say taht I like who I am. Im comfortable
with me. Ive found who I am. Now i gatta find out where
it is that Im going. Lol. Ill probably be a teacher, im
pretty good at that. I have a passion for English and the
arts. I want to take drama, see if im any good at acting.
Ive always been too shy to before, but it isnt any fun
unless you put your heart into it.

Daddy gave me a Digimon colouring book, and I was like,
cool. Colouring. But like, on the inside, he said its not
Sailor Moon, but maybe I could use it to learn how to draw
them. I never thought about that before. I like digimon,
and its got all of them in there, so Im like, kick booty.
Thats a good way to learn how to draw stuff. I never
thought of that. Now I need to get some pencils that dont
suck... some mechanical Bic ones... and some tracing
paper. :-D I try to be an artist. Lol. Im still
exploring that field. I LOVE working with pastels, the
chalk ones. Mommy got me some oil pastels for christmas,
theyre cool, but I like the chalky ones better. And she
got me some coloured pencils that totally didnt suck. They
were like, double tipped, and they had cool colours, like
skin tones and stuff. I was like, rawkin!!! Good shading
pencils. I wish I had my brothers talent. Geez, he was so
awesome. he could see anything and draw it, EXACTLY. Ive
kinda trained myself in the whole anime thing, I really
persued it by watching Sailor Moon and lookin at anime pix
i got off the web... so thats more my style. Lol. Yeah,
Im a cartoon lover. Lil kid at heart. :)

So, Im finally 16. My bday was cool. I got some nifty
stuff. Mom got me this Luna Ball, if you dont know Sailor
Moon, its a cat shaped ball, its basically a cat head, and
its eyes glow blue, and it mews. Its head splits open, and
you can put stuff in it. its really cool. Ashley thinks
its satan. LOL. And she got me socks and pjs and a shirt
and shirty thingie, rings, a tinkerbell necklace *score*, i
think thats it, im not sure. Lisa gotst me a Sailor Moon
and Tuxedo mask dolls. :-D My baby gost me a RainbowBrite
movie, which is so kick booty, he is so awesome, and NFG
stickers, which is like, kick booty. Daddy sent me a teddy
bear, a digimon colouring book, and $20. Val, Mary, and
Huggles got me more like, personal stuff. Like, mary got
me neostuff, which was cool. Huggels wrote me an entry,
and I was like, awwh!!! He is so awesome. Val made me this
cool lil box, and a card, it was so sweet!!! I almost
cried. Val is so awesome. Steven gost me a Robotech
shirt, and he said he got a Supertones and Bosstones ones
too, and I was like, dude, ahh. Thats a lil overboard,
specially since his my FRIEND, and he has a crush on me,
and I know he has no chance and so does everyone, BUT him.
:-/ What can ya do though??

Oh, Deidre is talking to me nows. She called. *No, Im not
online right now* I guess were gunna hang out tomorrow.
Shes gunna come over at like, 4ish and pick me up and
stuff. Im like, okaaaay.... It frightens me when adults
try to get close to me. It frightens me when anyone tries
to get close to me. Lol. I guess Im kinda sardonic... I
know she means well. She wants to help. Im too
independant though... I dont like to get attached because
once I do, theres no turning back.... If i get attached,
then I rely on them... and I start to need them... and
thats not cool. Because I get hurt. They get hurt. I
always screw up... always.... I try to hide the fact that
Im so messed up inside by being almost perfect... perfect
grades, nice to everyone... good attitude... but I leave
just enough leeway to show that I have a problem... if you
observe. I hint at it. I want help. I do. I dont want
to hurt, i dont want to be alone. But I dont want everyone
to know that, I dont want anyone to know that. I dont
want people to feel obligated to me....

I was talkin to Clark last night, cuz we got to go to youth
group, finally, and like, it was cool. We read Romans 2,
about judging and Gods wrath and stuff. Notice the
reflection in my entry. But i was mentioning because,
believe it or not, I trust Clark, about how mom did the
same thing to daddy, I was concieved before moms divorce
was final, i was born 5 months before thier wedding.
Theyll deny it. But i was at the wedding. There are
pictures. And like, he was saying how things go full
circle, and people point the finger about things taht they
struggle with, like, say, adultry. Dad points at mom
because he has trouble with porn. Mom points at dad
because of the thing with harry. Its up to me to break the
chain. I WILL NOT let that happen in my life. I observe
people. I watch, I learn. I trust my God to lead me.
He will lead me on the path of righteousness, not the path
of destruction. I am anything but righteous! But God sees
me through Jesus, his blood masks my sins and I am pure,
but only if i confess my sins, not deny, confess, and
truly, from my heart, want to clean up my act, and make my
life better, and never commit those sins again. I have to
learn to forgive myself. I have to learn to forgive myself.

Gosh, these guys are awesome. P.O.D. is great. I love
christian music. :-D :-D

Laters dudes.

Matt, angel, your my world
Huggles, thank you, i love you
Mary, Bff, thanks, i love you too

If i forgot anyone, you know you are special to me, and
that I love you.

Laters all.

ps- please pardon the anal retentiveness!!! ;)