I am a mom
2001-10-15 23:36:33 (UTC)

day one of my journal

well, heres my new diary ....they say to write your
feelings so here it goes...well, what can I say.... it's
been a difficult day...R thinks I dont trust him, but that
couldnt be further from the truth....as a woman I know how
women work & what they think...& although I dont know
enough of the details to make an assesment of whats this
womans intentions are...since she is a friend of the
exgirlfriend that brings them into question all the
more.... I dont know if its just a fishing expedition to
get info or if she is testing the waters to get them back
together....or just searching for info on whats going on in
his life..which could be the case.... I dont know how to
present the questions i have in a way that lets him know I
dont question him at all ... I trust him complety & should
be able to let it go. but since I feel so strongly with the
little bit of info I have I cant shake the feeling that
there is more to her story & why she is suddenly calling
all the time....it doesnt make sense to me...I have watched
the game be played by so many women out there & I can just
about predict the move...but, I have to let this go...or I
am afraid it will ruin our relationship... and that is the
last thing I want to happen... I know I have caused him
stress by telling him how I feel ...but this is one
relationship I want to be utterly open in & discuss my
feelings...I have spent a lifetime keeping my mouth shut
for fear of someone leaving me again...it was not my
intention to upset him the way this has...and the last
thing I want for him to do is give up his friends on my
account...I dont want to act like lisa, mary or suzy....and
I know in my heart that he would never act like
chris,tommy, robert or anyone else who has let me down in
the past(which are too many to list)...so having said
that...I will let this issue go...I will speak of it no
more...I will not worry needlessly, cause as I sit here &
write this I know he would never hurt me and any decision
he makes I have no control over, so there is nothing any
outside influence can have upon him...and i am officialy
letting it go...its beyond my control & not a concern to
me....it was silly of me to even be worried that someone
else could influence him, he has a strong will & would
never let anyone change his mind or feelings..only he can
do that...I know he will make the right choices.so
officialy its gone from my mind (it should have never been
a worry)

now onto myself.........everyone I have ever loved has let
me down, from family to friends to spouses... the pain is
just to great to hear someone say your a great person you
didnt do anything wrong, you are better to me than anyone
else has ever been, but.... and there has always been a
but...( r doesnt even know the half of my disappointments
in life & the people that have let me down...) yet here I
am trying again..I cant give up on myself or the world..
even though i want too sometimes...I cant let go of the
dream that there is someone out there who is looking for me
as well... i just hope I have found him this time...but
only time will tell...how much time will it take??? I dont
know the answer to that...I just know that I truly pray
this is the one...I want with all my heart for this to be
the one... I have never felt so complete in all my life, as
I do when I am with him... all my life Ive dreamed of my
soul mate and everthing r is exactly what I pictured,the
sad thing is he doesnt even realize it himself that he is
truly a rare person with so much love to offer, if he would
just open up & learn to listein with his heart again, the
man I always pictured is a true man of his word..and a real
man..with goals & dreams, and the mind to really work for
it, someone I could work with side by side, in the yard, in
the house, with the world around me...a quite peaceful
place to live out in the country, animals & happy kids,
good friends & a life that I am so satisfied by, that there
is no need for anyone else to complete it...that i am no
longer searching for the acceptance that I have always
searched & craved for... that i no longer search for the
approvals of others to make me feel worthwhile.....I want
to be someones other half..to love all my life the way we
loved when we first met...to always be able to look in
someones eyes & for once in my life know that they will be
the one to never ever let me down...thats what i want more
than anything in life...is to be loved, not just a stepping
stone to someone else.. not a lover for right now.. i want
a love that knows no end...not just story book stuff....I
want someone i can look in the eyes 10,15,20 yrs down the
road and know with every breath i take that this is the
other half of me...and look in those eyes & without a word
having to being spoken & know the reason i married them is
the same now as it was back then & to know that they feel
the same way....why am i sitting here crying? because i
want so badly for these words to be real and not just my
dreams? i guess so.....i have never tried to put into words
how i truly feel & what i am searching for....but that is
what i have done & its been a very good for my soul,I must
say that writing this has been very mind clearing for me &
brought into focus alot of things in my life... i guess
cindy was right, she always told me to get a journal &
write my thoughts & things would be clearer...she was
right, they are finaly clear & i can honestly say that has
never been the case before.. I should have listeined to her
years ago & taken her advise...