Little Bird

Private Babbling
2001-10-15 21:46:20 (UTC)

Additionaly....(PS To On LIne Experiance)

The He who turned out to be a she pulled this off for so
long because she had a male actually call me on the phone.
Can you believe that? Who would be sick enough to do that
to someone and help someone who is so SICK!?!

My b/f has PMS!

He started this fight on Friday and is STILL DWELLING ON

okay fine if that's how you feel, to be honest I don't have
time for myself
and I cannot call you from my house (mom and I don't get
along)I'm sorry I
didn't know that's how you felt my god I am soo sorry you
didn't call me
Sunday so I assumed you were not doing anything I was home
all day, I have
asked you to go out and you cant so I came over cuz I
wanted to see you, not
for sex I have a hand for that thankyouverymuch..I had no
idea...I'm sorry I
wont bother you anymore, between working 58 hours a week
and you having kids
so we cant just go out when we want to its hard. I'm sorry

i don't know why you LEFT my house sunday morning. i wish
you were comfortable staying or whatever. it would be much
easier for me to deal with telling the kids that you are my
rather than, that's the guy that comes to the house at
night and leaves before wake up time.
i want you to meet my friends, at least once. i'm not
saying you have to marry me or my friends or be my
childrens dad or anything like that. i just want a normal
relationship with someone i can talk to and not feel like
what i'm saying is meaningless....

i enjoy being with you. i'm not asking you to stop working
or stop going with your friends or give up your family
life. i understand that you work long hours and are
stressed out. i have my own stresses. there are days when i
want to just go home and cry but i can't.

i don't want to stop talking to you or whatever. i wish
you'd tell me when you want to go out. my uncle is home and
my mom is around. i can go out...maybe not when we are
being attacked by terrorists but i CAN find time for things
i enjoy. i just need a couple days notice sometimes...other
days i can just go

i know you don't mean to hurt me. how i take things is my
problem but when you tell me about so & so's kid that you
used to play video games with.....what am i sposed to think
when, well, you know

if you tell me your going to come over don't blow me off
for 2 days and then call me at 1AM... tell me you want to
do things on sun and then leave... i think those are the
underlying issues. i'm sorry if i upset you. i am just
tired of people walking all over me.


Last week was odd...ending in an odd weekend!

I went to Club 720 (which is the old Cairo...where the
famed Dino & Jeff used to work) with 2 Arabic women & a
woman from Ecuador on Friday night. I didn’t wake up until
about 2 on Saturday.
We went to Chuck E Cheese Saturday night…drove through
the ‘rain’. It was more like torrential down pour….We
stayed there, with above mentioned people, until about 9.
Sunday the b/f came over and we carved pumpkins and watched
this REALLY STUPID movie.
b/f said he was coming over at 12 on sunday, called at noon
to say he was running late because he was standing in line
for Ozzy tickets. got mad when i asked him why he didn't
call me at 8AM instead of at the last minute.
got mad at him because he just said he had to over draft
his checking to pay car he is buying tickets
and special CD's, etc and so on.

Last week my friend Pia got a job at Happy Trails. Adam is
in charge now. Buzz is sposed to move out of the front
house so Adam can move in but I dunno if he has yet.
I’m thinking of moving the horse back there but since
Adam’s in charge he has BLAIR and GREER teaching and
training various horses/people. Despite the Charlie
situation I think we are better off where we are right now.
Next Sunday I’m planning to ride over to HT. I might even
make the b/f rent a horse.

I found this really cool web site with stories that SO
match my life with the he/she...when I thought that was THE
ONE all the way down to when my computer was taken away. I
included a story and the link.

Copyright 1997-1998 by BearTotem
There was no way to prepare her for that moment when she
found out how much a real spanking hurts. There was nothing
to do but comfort her afterwards, try to show her the
bigger picture, remind her of how desperately she wanted
the relationship.
He wrote her a letter, and she requested it be made public,
thinking others might encounter the same situation. The
letter was actually the first of the several stories he
wrote about her.
The letter presented a vision of what he hoped her
relationship would become. Even though the letter was the
beginning, he placed the letter near the end of their story
collection, so that the story Choices could then show how
completely the vision became fulfilled.
Letter of Comfort to a Submissive Woman
I am happy for you, my friend.
Yes, your bottom hurts beyond belief. You got what you
have longed for, and the reality is very difficult to
live with, just now. It seems to me that every woman in
your situation behaves the same way, and every woman is
surprised that this is considered such normal behavior.
You had to push him, to test him, to prove that he is
strong enough for you. Every woman must do this, to prove
that she is safe. But you thought surely this was a
one-time deal, that this man you have known and loved for
years, couldn't *really* be all that you wished for. So
you pushed him again. He warned you, and stated as clearly
and precisely as before, what would happen. And it did -
after all, you had to prove that he would follow through.
No woman could respect a husband who backed down from her,
failed to follow through on such a promise. But you
completely respect him now, don't you? It hurts, O how it
hurts, but down inside you are happy.
As I am happy for you, my friend.
But why, my friend, did you think you could outlast him?
Why did you continue to ask for it, just to show him his
new-found methods wouldn't really work? Why did you think
he would just go back to the way it was?
That wasn't the real reason, you know. Even when you knew
what was coming, you pushed him harder. You just didn't
really believe, deep down inside, that he was for real.
And surely, after two very serious spankings in two days,
he would allow for your bottom being so badly damaged. And
now you know, as every such woman must learn for herself,
that the soreness of your bottom makes absolutely no
difference. You earned it; you pay in full. You learned
that if your bottom is already unbearably sore, there is no
one to blame but yourself. It's simply not a relevant
And now, my friend, you understand. The lesson was the most
difficult of your life. You have never had limits imposed
upon you before. Perhaps if you had, at age six or sixteen,
or even twenty-six or thirty-six, you would not be in such
pain right now. But you had to learn the hard way, and be
absolutely sure. And now you are absolutely sure.
I am happy for you, my friend.
The good news is, you only have to face this particular
lesson once in your lifetime. Now you understand, and
now you respect your husband. Now you can believe, without
any nagging doubts, that he means what he says.
Will you test him again? Of course you will. But not for
a long while. There is no need, because you have proven
to yourself that you are secure. But when you begin to
doubt, you will test him again. And you will wonder why,
O why did you ever doubt him. Such, I believe, is the
nature of a submissive woman.
Yes, my friend, you got spanked. And it still hurts,
fiercely, this many days later. You can't see what this
means, except for wondering if your bottom will ever again
feel free from pain. You know that you are doing your best
to please your husband, and you are learning to obey.
But is that all that is happening here? Not on your life.
I have been watching, and I have been thinking about the
new world that is opening up for you, and I have begun to
realize that you might not actually see the wondrousness of
what is in store.
I am writing this letter to explain why I am so happy for
you, my friend.
Perhaps it feels like you're being turned into a puppet,
being treated like a child. Dominated. Like a German
Shepherd who doesn't like obedience school. But think
about *why* you longed for this, and you will see this has
nothing whatever to do with becoming a puppet.
My friend, you've had a tough life. You have *never* had
it easy; you have always had to build your own life for
yourself. You've had terrible failures, and you have come
through a wonderful person. You are a priceless treasure.
I truly mean that, my friend. And now... you don't have to
go it alone anymore. Have you really thought about what
that means for you? Of course you have - this is what you
longed for, without even suspecting the dream was within
your grasp all along.
Nor should you feel badly for missing it until now. Until
now, you probably were not ready for the new world you have
before you. You might not have been strong enough to
enter, until the wounds of your past had healed into
honorable scars.
The great paradox is your tremendous inner strength. That
strength allows you to enter, while at the same time
keeping you from entry. For you are strong enough to
resist indefinitely... or so you might think. Do you
really want to find out how long you can hold off? I hope,
for your own sake, you choose to hold that lesson off for a
later time. Strong as you are, your self esteem can only
take so much humbling at one time. There is already much
that will take getting used to.
You begin to see the world before you, but you are afraid
of the cost of entry. Yet you arranged that you will have
no choice. Will you enter of your own will, or be carried
with a glare, or a pout, on your face? I believe the world
will be that much sweeter and brighter if you walk forward
to meet it, of your own free will.
My friend, what you've had the past few years has been
very good. But don't let the very good keep you from the
very best. Please.
Do you really see the new world that is now waiting for
you? Perhaps all you see just now is pain, and enforced
obedience. But this will pass; all you're doing is paying
the price of entry. A high price indeed, for an
indescribably wonderful reward. Can you imagine being able
to be completely open, completely naked, completely free,
with the man who so thoroughly loves you? Can you imagine
your husband being completely free to show you what your
marriage can be, without fear of remonstrance,
second-guessing, worrying what the other will think?
Imagine a frictionless run towards a deeper intimacy than
you can now even imagine.
Yes, I am happy for you, my friend.
I doubt your husband fully comprehends either. It will be
your privilege to show him what you have in store for him,
as you two come closer and closer. Your husband will come
to appreciate you in ways he never thought possible. But
I hope you understand this to be speculation, a description
of a vision. I would never presume to speak for your
husband. Nevertheless, that of which I speak, is real.
My friend, you are a *woman*. Endlessly complex, with
endless stores of mystery. When you're good, you're very
good - and you know that. I wonder if your husband has
any idea, yet, of what such a woman will be like just after
he has gently spanked her to orgasm, twice? You will know
your deepest being by then, that your vulnerability and
pleasure are wrapped up in the gentlest of spankings, and
that your obedience and submission are correspondingly
wrapped in the fiercest of your for-real spankings. Yes,
have much wonder still to discover.
I believe that a woman who submits herself to a man
unworthy of her submission, degrades herself; a woman who
submits herself to a man worthy of that submission,
enhances herself. I truly believe this. You won't be
losing or throwing away any of your strength, my friend.
You will be adding your husband's strength to that of your
own. As your husband will be adding your strength to his.
Your husband will partake of you without asking, as if it
were his right. Your submission, voluntary or not, has
strengthened him. If you watch for it, you will begin to
see that increased strength in *all* areas of his life, and
as his wife, you will benefit.
The day will come when one of your greatest joys is in
pleasing him. You will cook dinner not because you were
told to, but rather you will cook to please him, and take
uninhibited joy in his pleasure. You will be glad of your
accountability, because it arises from the nature of your
relationship. He cares for you, pays attention to you,
takes responsibility for every aspect of your well-being.
In fact, you will become so greatly cherished by him, that
you might try wrapping him back around your little finger.
Please don't ever forget that first day of your return,
when you knew he was *that* glad to see you. Should you
ever try that one again, he'll know that you know better,
and set you straight that much more firmly. Knowing you,
my friend, you will eventually try it. I'll point out that
I too warned you, and you'll glare at me too.
And I will remain happy for you, my friend.
Can you imagine how this will affect you sexually? I
expect the day will come, as with other women we know of,
that you get hot just hearing your husband's name spoken.
The day will come, I believe, when your surroundings become
meaningless when your husband is in the room. Your
husband, and your relationship to him, will be your focus.
Some day, I hope, you will finally choose to give yourself
to him with nothing else held back. When you drop that
last reserve, and declare yourself fully his, (rumor has it
that) you will experience explosive orgasms like you can't
currently comprehend. Perhaps you won't ever take that
step... but if you do, I believe you will be stunned in
wonder at the result. For now, this is probably too scary
a thing to contemplate. But once you've chosen to enter
the world before you, you won't have to worry about these
kinds of fears anymore.
In fact, I believe some day you will look on turning back,
and physically shudder in the same way that weeks ago you
shuddered over the mere thought of giving up control. Some
day you will realize that you would not give up your new
world for anything. When that day comes, I hope you will
remember this letter, and thank your husband - in words -
for completely removing the possibility of turning back.
I hope you realize that your husband is risking everything
he holds dear, to open up that world for you. Yes, he
knows what he is doing, and he is confident, and you
insisted on proving him adequate to the task. And he became
stronger by the proof.
But that doesn't change the fact that he risked everything
he holds dear. He no doubt considered it a fairly small
risk, because of his unexpectedly deep understanding of
yourself, and confidence in his ability to control the
situation. But it *was* a risk, and the risk was of that
which he cherishes the most.
I hope you come to appreciate what he has done for you. Do
you remember how you didn't really believe that your
husband would even say okay, and try it, and eventually
understand? How could he know of, or even understand if
you told him, your longing to come home after a long day,
and be totally seduced by a man who is strong, independent,
and not intimidated by you? Do you remember speaking those
very words?
Do you remember how you said you wanted to be taken out of
control, after being in control for the last twelve hours
of your day? And you thought *maybe* if a man were strong
enough he could control the scene without tying you for the
And now you know. Your husband understands you, and he is
well able to control the scene without ties, isn't he?
He never saw the newsgroup; he only saw you. He caught on
pretty quickly, didn't he? But do you see that in going
from nothing to everything, that he *risked* everything,
and gave you... everything. With, of course, a man-sized
dose of humility - but you'll get over it; every woman in
your situation does, and every woman in your situation
knows that she did in fact ask for it. I hope you
appreciate what he has *become* for you.
I am happy for you, my friend.
And how much your bottom hurts... I don't think I actually
comprehend that. How can you even function? The toughness
of a woman is incredible, probably beyond a man's
comprehension. She goes on because she has to. It's that
simple. But how you feel - I do understand that I can't
possibly understand.
I hope you can picture the day when your bottom finally
gets a full week's rest, and the urgent fierceness of the
pain finally, just slightly, begins to fade. Then you can
begin to enjoy the fun spankings, reaching a level of pure
pleasure that you have only glimpsed. For you are one of
us, and enjoy spankings like nobody in the outside world
can possibly begin to comprehend. You will know that you
can be spanked as often, and as pleasantly, as you care to
be, for the rest of your life.
My friend, I hope you gain a brighter picture of the world
before you, of uninhibited sensuality, of love, of
of intimacy, of pleasure. The question is, are you willing
to capitulate, and grasp what is yours to have? Who would
have thought such a mundane task as you were told to
would give you a taste of this? You had unexpected fun...
that only happened because your husband forced you. You saw
the joy in his eyes. If you thought of yourself as a
19-year-old just starting your life with your new husband,
would not be far off - for you *are* just starting your
with your new husband.
Yes, it is hard, very hard, to leave the old self behind.
But you must; your old self will do nothing but drag you
down, keep you from the pleasures before you. And to see,
and suddenly hear countless times a day, how much he
cherishes you... think back to your earlier years.
Wouldn't you have gladly endured a desperately sore bottom
to hear that for one single day, knowing it to be literally
Yes, you are smarting from some very serious discipline.
You have been humbled. The fact that you deserved every
single stroke, and brought on the extra severity all by
yourself, just makes it worse. I sincerely hope that you
will take that final step, and fully submit yourself to
his will. Discussing, yes, but no arguing, no
second-guessing, no rebelling, no glaring or pouting.
Nothing but complete trust in your husband, trusting him to
see the bigger picture, acting entirely in your best
interests. Can you perhaps begin to see how he is serving
*you*, even while he is mandating your obedience? It will
take time, but once you can move past the current soreness,
you will be able to begin to appreciate all that he is
doing, and becoming, for you.
I am happy for you, my friend.
I would implore you to begin a journal, or a diary, or a
story. Begin with how you began to share your hidden
desires. Write down everything that happened, how you
felt, what you learned. Describe the change. For you
have already changed - perhaps more than you realize.
I suggest this for many reasons, but most of all for
yourself, my friend. When you are fully settled in
your new world, you may have a hard time remembering what
you went through to get there. Painful experiences, in
particular, are difficult to remember. Also, writing
things down will help you sort things out in your own
These writings can be a gift to your husband. A gift of
yourself for him to cherish. In fact, I would suggest you
tell him what you are trying to do; I think he would be
pleased. Which means he would grant you the time and space
for this project. Perhaps he would even consider writing
something himself. Don't think only in terms of typing at
your computer; think of a literal journal. Get a hardbound
something that you can write in during your spare moments.
You have an awful lot to write already, and it would be
best to get that down quickly. You can type it up later if
you wish.
Another reason is to have something to share with people of
like mind, who can understand, empathize, and take joy in
your sharing. You just don't know how blessed you are, to
have found what you found, in your own husband. Even
though it still hurts so fiercely, because you had to prove
him to be for real.
Since this *is* just the beginning, it would be well to
write it down before your memories become overlaid with new
levels of understanding. I don't mean to say that the
spankings will get worse. They will, but not until you
force the issue.
No, I mean that you're coming through a one-time
deal. There's no turning back, and no need to start over.
Unless, of course, you force the need.
Write a journal, lest you forget where you came from. My
friend, you *are* the treasure beyond price, and with your
bottom hurting so fiercely, there is no way for you to
appreciate that. But share yourself in writing, and share
that gift with your husband, and he will be able to
you even more.
And in the not-so-distant future, when your spankings are
only for your pleasure, you'll look back to this time in
your life, and appreciate a *nice* spanking for the
privilege it has become. I truly believe this for you.
I am unspeakably happy for you, my friend. I wish you well.

TTFN Gentle Reader!