kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2001-10-15 19:41:05 (UTC)

Killing Me

I have 20 minutes before class. Right now I just want to
crawl under a rock and not be missed. I know John would
miss me. Maybe he can come under my rock with me. I have
the stuff done I need to for this class, but it's tomorrow's
class. I have a big project done and I'm maybe 2/3 of the
way done now. I need to put the top part on both of my pots
and then do my design on the old pot. The new one will be
easly to put together. I just hope the old one isn't too
dry to work with. I'll find out tonight when I work on it.

I have set aside all of this evening to work on my pots. I
would have done it yesterday, but John was over and I didn't
want to make him leave before he had too. It will be
another 3 1/2 days or so until I see him. I am glad that it
isn't very long. I am also going to see my family.

My Mom and I need to get a good talk in. It's something
we've needed to do for a long time, but I was so happy over
the summer that the rotten feelings I have weren't there.
They usually go away when I go home. I hope Mom at least
gets a clue and asks me whats up or something. I will
probably just say I'm fine, but I hope she reads through that.

I wish that way back in 5th grade I wouldn't have lied to my
parents and done things at school that I really shouldn't
have. That year every other word out of my mouth was foul
at school. At home I was still the perfect little angel.
That was the year I quit telling my parents everything.
When Siobhan quit being my friend I had no friends because
we hung out with her friends. I didn't really tell my
parents about it. Not even my Mother. We've been closer
than my Dad and I.

I think if I had continued to communicate with them then
things would be different. I wouldn't be afraid to tell
them how I feel about school and what's going on inside my
heart and mind right now.

These are things I've sort of talked to John about, but not
in depth or anything. I just wish I had my Mother to really
talk to. She and I don't talk much about school etc... I
try to avoid talking about it because I don't want to. I
just feel like I'm going to let them down and not be the
perfect kid like my brother.

I think they already know that, but they probably wish I got
straight A's like my brother. He was a perfect student and
I'm the oposite in so many ways. I pull C's and some B's.
I just can't seem to pull the A's like him. Oh well, I
guess life goes on right?

I shouldn't compare myself to him, but I often wonder if my
parents do or not. I bet they do on some level. If not I
would wonder... My brother has done the amazing and then
gone on to do God's work. It is so hard to compete with all
he has accomplished and can accomplish if he sets his mind
to it.

What is wrong with me? Am I not good enough to make it in
this world?

Am I looser and I just don't know it yet?