casey vespa

street knife fight
2001-10-15 17:57:44 (UTC)

i am hot? get outta town

Seriously though...this is NOT me! it CAN'T be...man o
man...it's funny because im writing this at SCHOOL, in the
LIBRARY..in STUDY HALL. All of which are ridiculous things
to me, maybe JUST to me, but still...ridiculous. Sigh. I
sigh quite a great deal..and use these dotty thingies ALL
the time...dot dot dot...

So, this weekend was the big H.C...as in homecoming just
in case ya didnt catch my sneaky lingo. Yeahhhh, riiiight.
But yeah, about the big h.c..i wasnt even supposed to GO
with anyone, but somehow the day before i found out i was
going with this guy alex who i do know and all but not well
enough to go on a date typea thing with...i somehow managed
to not think about it at all, like what this actually would
be? a date? for reals? what would he expect from me? etc..,
until the night of. So i was totally out of it for some
reason. It was like i was watching someone else, like i
wasnt even IN my own body...even though i let him hold me
like the whole time and oh yeah, did i mention i hadnt even
kissed anyone yet? oh yeah well i kissed him. And i didnt
even enjoy any of it. How sad. It was just like i did
exactly what was expected from me...which is NOT what i
would have done on my own...so now im all disappointed in
myself...i just dont know what to do. I just gave up
everything ive ever stood for. At least this has made me
realize something. By hooking up with alex, i now realize
exactly how much i like brian. brian: immature, little,
alcoholic, skating punk, 80's, brian...the first guy who
has ever come after me despite my disorders when it comes
to any sort of relationship with the opposite sex...sigh.
How great, im about to go after the guy i broke up with, or
am I? hmmm...i just dunno the answer to these things...

Wow...i am writing more than i thought i would. All i
know for sure is that i really felt happy and beautiful
when i was with brian...even though all he did was hold me
in his arms on a car ride home...and that should tell me
something. Too bad im SUCH like a guy in that 1. i dont
want a relationship for reals...2. i dont want to have to
WORK hard for anything...and 3. its all about the pursuit,
i mean, i dont really WANT something that just falls at me
so easily. Dammit i am conflicting with myself...sigh.
Maybe NEITHER of these guys are right for me...well, i KNOW
alex isnt, i am WAYYY too talky for him, i would go
insane...but brian? i just dunno yet...sigh

I dont know WHY now, but all of a sudden im getting
more attention than ive ever had in my life. I guessss it;s
all good and stuff, but sometimes i dont even know how to
handle it. And i just know that about 90% or more of this
attention is just purely from my looks or whatever...sigh.
And it doesnt help that i am relationship challenged...or
that people think im some bitchy slut...try NOT guys, ive
never even had a real boyfriend...and my first kiss was
this weekend...ha. Someone save me from myself...sigh

More from me later...trust me on this one...and please,
talk to me, im very talky, in case ya didnt notice...

*casey*




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