Eclipse

Eclipse of the Soul
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2001-10-15 10:34:45 (UTC)

Chapter C

Cam and I went out for 11 months... we broke up on our
11 month anniverary come to think of it. That was about 8
months ago. I loved him so much. I would have died and
killed for him, but not much of that matters now. Kassie
was always telling everyone I never really loved him, or if
I did- I hid it too much. I'd have to say the latter is
true. I loved him so much it hurt. The first 6 months were
perfect.. I couldn't ever ask for more. Just the thought of
being able to lie in his arms and the world just
disappearing... I gave everything I'd ever had to him. I
loved him more than the sun- I still do. A few months
before we broke up I started using the pill. It had really
really bad side effects, especially emotionally. It was
like I was on a rollercoaster through hell and there was
not way off. I wanted to stop taking it but he wouldn't let
me. Looking back on that time now I think I was insane. I
started to cut again (which I hadn't done for about 3
years). I used razorblades and exacto knives to scar
myself, just to make the internal pain external. I also
developped another form of self-mutilation:
trichotillomania. I would pull out chunks of my hair
without even realizing it. Along with problems at home (my
parents are both physically and verbally abusive) I was
losing it. At one point I remember wanting to buy a
motorcycle just because I knew it was dangerous and I could
"accidentally" crash it. Communication broke down between
me and Cam. He was falling out of love with me and I was
falling even more in love. We weren't able to see each
other for about a month and he decided to break up with me.
I remember writing I note to myself, or maybe to him, the
night before. In either case I never gave it to him.
"It's always darkest before dawn. That's what I've been
telling myself. A mantra. The chase away the shadows and
fears that plague my mind. I still love you, Oh god I wish
this weren't happening. You're the only person who's cared
about me. I gave all of myself to you, but you're just
returning it in a neat little parcel. Ilove you. I know
it's that love that will kill me. It's so close to doing it
aleady. I wish I could just hold you one more time. Doing
so was the only time I've ever been happy in my life. No
onr can ever take that away from me, but you."
The next day was probably the most brutal day of my
life. I was apprehending it all day. I had agreed to meet
him at the mall to buy a birthday present for a friend of
mine (same friend who's party we met at). We walked through
the mall silently until we stopped at a skylight near the
same entrance. He turned to me and said "I have something
to tell you, do you promise not to get mad?" I just nodded.
"I'm...well... I'm breaking up with you" he finished.
It felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I just nodded. We
walked a little further on and I asked him why. I was still
pretty much in shock. He said it was because we didn't get
to see each other anymore, and it was becoming a long
distance relationship. I wanted to laugh and cry and scream
bloody murder but I was still too shocked to say anything.
I had to wait there for an hour for my ride home. Trying to
hold back everything I was feeling. For over an hour. The
second I got home I collapsed. I could barely move for the
rest of the evening. My mom made me go to school the next
day. About half the school saw "Anita the cold and
heartless" cry. They were all supportive but none of that
matters once you've just realized the supposed "best year
of your life" has gone down the shitter.


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