Violet

My Chaotic Life
2001-10-15 06:49:10 (UTC)

First Entry

I'm not quite sure why I decided to start another journal.
I guess its because my other journal has so much
description of events there is no time for feeling. It
seems that all of the time I have so many conflicting
emotions and I am so confused on what to do or what I
think. I guess it has to deal with an event. Since I don't
want to focus on events I'll just give a lit background
information first and then drop the subject.

Well I guess most of my problems come from the car accident
I got in on September 14th. I almost lost my life and have
some severe injuries but no permenant damage. I don't
believe it was my fault but then I don't remember any of
it. I had one person in the car with me. Ok thats all I'm
going into. Now this incident brought on a lot of thought.
Lets start with almost getting killed. I didn't..I'm not
sure how that makes me feel. I always think about how I
could die at any moment but it never happens. This time it
almost happened. Was I bluffing about not caring if I died?
No. I could have cared less. I'm glad that if I didn't die
I had no permenant damage, and that I didn't kill anyone.
I'm glad I'm not paralized or hideously disfigured. But I
actually think I would be better off if I lost my life.

There are a few reasons for this. The first is I have
always had an interest in death. I was a very disturbed
teenager and I always saw it as the best way out. Anytime
things seemed to hard I'd look to death as the only option.
When I believed in a god I'd pray to die, that night, as I
slept. Ever night I'd pray just to die- of natural causes
of course. It never happened so then I'd consider how to
make it happen. Now if someone has thought that way about
their life since 5th grade a near death type experience is
not just going to instantly make the deppression and
obsession with death disappear. But everyone keeps
lecturing me on how lucky I am. Which leads to another
thing that is plaguing my thoughts and keeping me from
sleeping at night. How can they act like they know how I
feel.

Noone knows whats going on inside my head. I don't even
know. I spent so long getting to know myself and now I find
myself so changed I don't recognize who I am anymore. I see
the world differently now and not the sugar coating, happy
ending, disney movie differently where everywhere you see
beauty and rainbows. Everything is darker..every person I
know seems to be pulling away, and the worst...every car
wants to hit me, every stranger behind the wheel wants to
destroy my life...not kill me but worse..take what little I
have away from me. Before the accident I didn't have much.
I didn't have a mercedes or a porche or however you spell
it. I had a 11 year old, $2000 car. But in my 18 year old
mind that was everything.

My car was my social life. My car was my freedom. My car
was always there for me, and escape from anywhere. It
stoped me from ever having to rely on people, who would
most likely fall through anyway. My car meant nothing could
tie me down. My car was also full of memories. My first
road trip. God it didn't matter where we went. It was just
being able to leave the state. And the ride home was
amazing. My boyfriend was in the seat next to me and at
that moment nothing else existed but our love. Nothing else
mattered. My friend in the back seat was my best friend in
that moment and my boyfriends friend was her perfect match.
They fell asleep leaning on each other and it was just one
of those moments you wish you could put into a box and then
open it and feel what you felt in that moment later on in
your life. But you can't do that and I'm sorry I can't feel
that for the first time again.

My car also had so many other memories. My first experience
with car sex..and the many that followed. The first time I
took my car to 90 mph. The first time I cheated on a
boyfriend in my car. I had the time when I had to drive
home my ex boyfriend after breaking up with him and then
driving away, crying because I wouldn't have to go on
street anymore..Maybe I am just an overly-sentimental freak
but these things are important to me. This was my first
car. This was the car I learned to drive in. The car I
failed the liscence test the first time in. The car I
passed the test in also. You can't replace something like
that and what upsets me is how I had and still have NO
CONTROL over any of it. I didn't imagine my life would turn
out like this. That night was going so great and this all
just came out of nowhere. Its like a slap in the face
magnified two thousand times.

Another thing that really bugs me is I don't remember the
accident. I know that I would never do anything stupid if
someone had told me it was a bad intersection which my
friend says she did. I know I would have taken every
precaution. But it seems like everyone else blames me. I
feel like my mom thinks I let her down. After the accident
everyone was so nice to me..they showed that they really
cared. But all I wanted was to look at my mom without
seeing the disapointment. I am just a giant failure in her
eyes and I want her to believe that I did everything right.
Because I was a good driver..I really was. I know that
there is no way it was my fault but I can't prove it and it
tears me apart. I would do anything just so they would no
it wasn't my fault. That they would know I didn't endanger
another person. And I would do anything to know it for sure
to. To have evidence that I was right about myself. That
I'm not a bad person or a disapointment or a failure. But I
can't do anything, and that makes me wish I had died. I'd
rather be dead then have people think that I am that
stupid, that irresponsible, that horrible of a person to
screw around or mess up and risk my life and the life of a
friend.

And the only thing I am left with now is this immeasurable
guilt. I feel guilty that I caused so much trouble. That I
hurt my friend at all. She ended up with just hurting her
knee which was already bad from a previous accident. But
still I could have really hurt her. And I ruined everyones
plans. They all changed their plans to see me in the
hospital and I feel bad that I scared people. My boyfriend
cried when my mom called him because she had to tell him I
was in intensive care. My friends cried to.. I feel bad
that I made them upset.. I don't even know why they care.
And I feel bad that my mom's insurance got canceled. She
had just changed companies and they canceled her because of
me. Because their was an accident in the first 60 days. I'm
going to cost her so much more money now.

And money is another issue. I have none. My summer job
ended today- which is another thing that upsets me. But I
have a part time one lined up and as soon as I find a car
I'll get another. But I can't afford anything I want.
Actually I want a car like my old one and I could afford it-
I just can't find it. And I'm so picky because if I get a
car loan I'll be paying for it for a long time so it better
be the ONE. Who knows whats gonna happen with everything.
My life is just upsidedown and I don't know how I'll ever
turn it around. But I'll write about all of it in here.