kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2001-10-15 05:24:02 (UTC)

It's been a long time

Ok, It's been a while since I last wrote. I know I said I'd
talk about the WTC thing, but I guess I won't. If you want
a good site to go to...
It's got some really good pictures etc...

I haven't written in a long time because school, John and
life are taking up all of my time. I am in my 4th year of
college and really sick of being here. I have one more
year after this to go and then I'm out. Right now all I
want to do is be out of school and working a job.

I'm finding myself reverting to old habits of not doing
homework until the day or day before it's due. As it is I
have some homework due tomorrow that I'm about to start and
then I have a project due the following day that I need to
finish. The only thing is I need to be in the studio to
finish it and the building is closed now.

I would have gone and done it earlier, but John came over
this weekend. This is my 4th weekend here and the 4th
weekend he's been here. Next weekend I'm going home. It
would be good to go see my family and spend time with my
other friends from home.

Jay calls a lot. He called me 4 times the other day because
he's got himself a girl now. I think he's finally over his
last girl that sort of drug him through the mud and back in
the end by not giving him a reason for the break up and then
saying they'd be friends, but not actually meaning it.

It is nice to hear him going on about someone else for a
change. All summer he went on and on about his ex and now
how much he missed her and wanted to know what happened in
the end to make things go totally sour.

John and I are doing great. I really love spending time
with him. He is always surprising me when he comes over.
This time he made me a fettichini with smoked salmon dinner.
Today is our 1 month anniversary since our first date. We
celebrated yesterday when he got here. He didn't think he
could hide the food over night.

It was so nice of him to cook for me. Also he's really good
at it. You would think that being a guy he wouldn't be
really good at it, but he is.

I am really looking forward to going home. I miss my
parents a lot right now. Sometime next month is a year
since my Dad had a stroke. I don't remember the exact day,
but I could look it up if I wanted to. I really don't want
to think about it.

It affected his speech. If he works at it I know he could
talk almost like he used to, but he instead tries to avoid
long conversations. He doesn't say more than he has to.

I know it drives my Mom nuts because it's just the two of
them at home now. Over the summer she made mention of how
it was bugging her. I would go nuts if it was just me and
John and he didn't talk. Dad just doesn't know what to say
and has trouble coming up with words. Because of this he
doesn't give really answers. You ask him a yes no question
and you get an affirmative or negative grunt of sorts. It
was hard enough to get him to make decisions and now it's
even harder. If he knows what he wants he spits out the
answer. When he doesn't know what he wants he tries to
avoid answering the question.

Why is there nothing on TV on Sunday nights? I just want
one show to watch. Would it be too much to ask? I have
settled on something that's ok, but nothing I'm just dying
to watch. TV is a big part of my life, but not tonight.

As a child I watched way too much tv. In turn it has made
me think less and probably stunted my mental growth somehow.

I don't blame my parents, I think they had a hand in it, but
it wasn't all them. Part of it was me deciding to do that
instead of reading. I should have read more books then I
would have expanded my creative mind. Maybe things would
somehow be different now if I had...

The other thing I think about is the miscarriage my mother
had before me. I wonder if that child that could have been
would be smarter than I am. What kind of decisions would
they have made. Would they grow up to be some super genious
or a bumb on the streets of NY? I would hope that I am at
least smarter than they would have been. Maybe I've even
made better decisions than that child.

I wonder why God decided not to let that child be born? Am
I really the better choice of the two? Sometimes I don't
think I am.

Tonight at dinner I got this sinking feeling like something
bad was going to happen. Nothing has happened yet and i'm
hoping nothing will, but you never know. Loosing three
close family members in the last year has really got me
looking at the negative things in life. I am not as
optimistic as I once was. It used to be that I always saw
the brighter side of life. Now I look for the next horrible
thing that could go wrong.

It's a terrible way to live, but it fits the way I felt
after loosing three people I loved so much. It was easier
to feel down then to be happy. What was there to be happy
about? Sometimes the feeling comes back to me. It came
back this last week. I was sick of being in school and
wondering why I'm here in the first place. I sent John a
crazy e-mail ranting all about the crazy stuff going through
my mind.

He was kind enough to talk me through a few things that
evening and let me know that my feelings were valid, but
that I shouldn't get down about it. The feelings come and
go so it's not all bad.

Right now I feel pretty good. I just have the bad feeling
from earlier looming in the back of my mind. I think I can
wait another day to go truely crazy. I don't need to be
committed yet...