Sleeping with the lights on
2001-10-15 02:42:39 (UTC)

Constant Conflict

Well, this is my first entry, so I'm kind of wondering what
to write. I figure if I have an online diary that my mom
can't find it in my fuckin room and read it.
A month ago I went to a rave w/ some friends and told my
mom I was going to Chuck-E-Cheese. I went and had a fun time
and rolled face. It was the best night of my life. You don't
have to roll at raves to have fun. The music and people is
all you need. Obviously I didn't know this because it was my
first rave. Well, my mom found out I wasn't where I was
supposed to be and also found out that I took ecstacy.
I came home from school on a Tuesday and sat down to talk
to my mom about how her day was. She was pissed off for some
reason and before I had the chance to ask, she told me I was
a fucking liar. She told me to go in the kitchen, while
screaming at me and asking me where the fuck I was that
Saturday. I couldn't believe my mom was saying the f word in
front of me. I was wigging out because she was going
completely nuts. For the first time in my life I actually
hated my mom, because she had called me a fucking whore and
told me I was a slut. She ruined my life that day, even
though she had done it before but not in such a brutal way.
The first time my mom actually called me a bitch was that
day. Wait, a fucking bitch to be exact. Then she wonders
why, for the next 4 weeks I've been utterly miserable
because I pratically have no friends anymore because I can't
go to raves. Wow, what a life I live. Anyways, my mom told
me to empty my bag out onto the table, where she found my
binky and a bunch of rave flyers and stupid shit. She
proceeded to throw all my shit everywhere, and to my
disbelief broke my make-up case and made me take all my
candee off. She told me I wasn't going to be a raver as long
as I lived in her house. (I'm the type of gurl that wears
really baggy jeans) She told me to take those off too, and
for real...WIGGED OUT! I've never seen my mom so mad before.
I kept saying, Oh my God, Oh my God..because I was in such
Now that it's been a whole month, it's kind of hard to
belief all that shit happened. Ya know, I still haven't told
my mom how bad it hurt me when she called me a whore. That
totally crushed me. It's like, I lost my best friend because
of her. I lost all my happiness because of her. I lost all
hope after that day. I'm trying to get my life back together
but it's hard because I feel like she's pressuring me to be
something that I'm not. I love my mom so much but it's like
there is this constant battle between us. She doesn't trust
me and I understand that. I just feel really alone. It's so
hard for me to think that me and Steph are never going to be
the same now because of her. It's eating me alive. I don't
know what else to say..this just made me really depressed to
talk about. peace.