eidolon

shifting mists
2001-10-14 23:21:57 (UTC)

family holiday fears ...

... i am worried .... i worry about Jeremy coming to
Thanksgiving and meeting my parents ... about them being
wonderful and nice and him not believing there is another
side that is not that way .. the side that emerges when
there are no guests ...

... i worry about the things i know dad will tell him ... i
know the drill ... i know what he'll say .... dad will tell
Jeremy that i'm using him ... try to make Jeremy doubt my
love ... "how can you really know that she loves you and
isn't just using you for a free ride?" he'll say .... he'll
insinuate to Jeremy that he's known me all my life and so
that because of that he is right and Jeremy is wrong about
me ....

... of course it will all be said jokingly ... half
serious ... yet played off with a laugh and a charming
smile ...

... and mom as always behind dad 100% will just ignore what
he's doing ... nod her head and laugh right along with
him ... her mind saying "oh, he's just joking, so it's
okay." ... but knowing deep down, just as i do, just as he
does ... that it's actually not a joke at all ...

... this is not paranoia speaking now .... how do i
know? ... because he's done it before ... said the same
things to other important people in my life ...

... i don't know why he does it ... but ... it scares
me ... it hurts me ... and i hate him for it ...

... and i hope that someday he pays .... and i hope that
when he does i'm able to see it ...

p.s. ... this in no way means that i don't want Jeremy to
come to Thanksgiving .... entirely the opposite really ...
his support and love are most anticipated and welcomed ....