self destruction introduction
how does it feel - to treat me like you do?
Well, it's been a little while since I updated this. I
think things are going well with Steph. I can never be too
sure though. it's always so disrupted and distracting.
I did a few bad things in the weekend..like reading some of
her personal writing. I do respect her but sometimes I just
get on this detective/spy attitude and I feel as if she's
the enemy and I need every little bit of information so as
to defeat her. probably not a very healthy attitude.
On Saturday night we went out to a party. I was drunk.
drunk, drunk, drunk on Tequilla - it made my mood slightly
out of whack, it disturbed Steph a bit. She said she felt
objectified by me, that she wasn't the object of my desire
but rather my property. I didn't realise and still don't
understand how I made her feel this way. So, we left the
party and spent a lot of time sitting on K'rd talking, I
was extremly confused. She's always got so many fucking
problems with us and our relationship and if there isn't a
problem it takes her no time at all to create one. That's a
bit harsh - but I feel as though my patients are wearing a
bit thin. about time. I feel as if I've been comprimising
my dignity and self respect to keep her happy...it's all so
I went home with her. And feel deep concern when I looked
at her and realised how tired she looked. She fell asleep
on the couch in a matter of seconds, she's so pretty when
asleep - maybe cause I know she's not going to open her
mouth and say something to hurt me. But I don't want a
push over, mute for a girlfriend.
Through the drunken haze I recall talking to her about
love, and saying how does she expect me to feel when I know
that I like/love her more than she does me..(cause this is
what she said to me one day)..she asked how I knew this and
how did I know she didn't feel the same way as I did, I
replied I knew from what she herself told me, and then I
think I told her I didn't ever want to talk about it (being
love and me inlove with Steph, Steph not loving me) with
her. Which is odd as I had wanted to talk to her about it.
I'm hoping to see her tonight. but I'm guessing I probably
won't, she said 'I'll see how I feel' but I'll take that as
It's all so fucking dumb. I'm sick of it. I think. I can
never tell. I wish I didn't feel so overwhelmingly
attracted to her. Wish I could turn my heart off.