shifting mists
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2001-10-14 20:01:58 (UTC)

where are the scissors .. ?

... how the hell does it make you feel if first thing in
the morning .. before you've even rolled over or opened
your eyes ... before you've taken two breaths of morning
air ... how does it make you feel when before any of that
happens you are picked at .. bitched at ... berated ... and
of course, you know that even if you could pull together
thoughts to defend yourself in that groggy clouded state of
awakening you wouldn't because you don't want it to turn
ugly .. so you can't .... and the words pierce your
soul .... why? ... because you're not awake yet .. your
defenses aren't in place yet ... that wall around your
heart is squishy soft first thing in the morning .. no
match for those sharp stabbing words ...

Standing in the doorway
Of my life in this house
Trying to find a way to get out.

... how do you suspect that would effect your day? ....
don't you think it effects mine the same? .... i'm not some
fucking nonentity without feelings for chrimaney sake ...
i'm a living, breathing human being with feelings just like
everyone else .... truth be known ... hypersensitive
feelings making me even more susceptible to your negativity
and meanness .... and yet you don't think it fucks up my
day when that's the first thing i hear in the morning? ...
when i start off my day on that kind of note? ...

Looking for a sign
That I should open the door.
This craziness is getting me down.

... and it just makes it worse when i get up and every time
i walk through the room you glare and sneer at me ... make
an ass out of yourself by being a jerk .... FUCK you ....
who the hell do you think you are anyway ... you're my
father ... not god ... not some all powerful being who can
do whatever the hell he wants without regard for others ...

I'm sick of everybody
Telling me what to do
I hear you
Hey but I already know.

... and mom ... her fucking excuse making .. just for
you ... making you seem so innocent and completely in the
right .... like it's completely okay for you to act that
way .... well it's not okay .... and just because there's
nothing that i can do about it doesn't change that fact ...
just because i can't talk to you about it and tell you it's
wrong doesn't change the truth ...

It's clear in my mind
After all of this time
What I feel

There are so many times
That the sun doesn't shine
I feel so insecure

... do i love you? ... no .... i don't think i do ... but
family probity keeps me tied to you ... keeps me loyal ...
you know what tho? .... i think i hate you .... i think my
feelings for you swing between dislike and hate ... that
they have for well over a decade now .... and i am so
restless to get free of you ... i am so impatient to put
the distance between us that keeps you from inflicting pain
upon me with your words ....

Walking down the stairway
To the traffic below.
Anything could happen
I know.

... i am anxiously awaiting the day that i can once again
cut you out of my life ...

Lyrics courtesy of the song "Today" by Poe.