megan

listen to my silences
2001-10-14 18:29:56 (UTC)

written on friday...stuff

k, so i'm sitting in math class, on my day off of school no
less, writing this. yay. actually, i'm with one of my
closest and best friends, kelly. since i'm off, i stayed
the night with her and came to her college. i'm so glad
our stupid fight is over. geez, i was such an idiot. over
a boy no less. i mean, it could've at least been over a
man!!! lol on that one, huh kells? you know, you can
really tell who your truly good friends are if you get in a
fight and stay best friends. it's amazing. i mean, yeah,
things were awkward for awhile. but now it's just like
before. i've missed her so much. i recommend that if you
have someone you consider to be one of your really close,
and i mean really close, friends, get in a fight with them
and see what happens. see how you all are afterwards. no,
i really don't think you should do that. though you would
find out if they really are as good a friend as you say.

anyways...i have gotta get myself sorted out. so much is
going on inside right now, but i couldn't tell you exactly
what it is...cause i don't know. i'm really frustrated
with myself. i have no clue what i'm gonna do with my
life. i really don't wnat to go on to more years of
school. not right now. i need time to think about
everything, to relax, to find myslef. i would really like
to take a year off...to travel maybe...to do things i've
always wanted to do. but that's not gonna happen, so back
to reality.

i know i could do whatever i wanted. i could go to any
college. so now i have to make some decisions...but i have
no motivation...whatsoever. i've gotta work on that, i
know. i'm so pressured and i think that's why i'm not
doing anything about it. kind of the rebellion thing i
guess...i don't know.

that's about the only thing i can figure out that's wrong
with me. i know there's more. i know i've distanced
myself from...well...everyone. and the've noticed. i
don't know why though...maybe whatever else is wrong is
causing that.

one other thing that is frustrating me is this stupid
disease with my ears. i can't hear, and when i ask people
to repeat themselves, they think i'm not listening or get
frustrated and give up on telling me. i hate that so
much!!! people don't realize how hard and frustrating that
is to me. i don't mind the diet or the questions or the
explaining. i do mind the weird looks and the assumptions
and the whispered conversations about me right in front of
me cause they know i can't hear. i've adjusted to the
stress and the lack of sleep and even the gradual deafness
and the constant dizziness, but i dont' think i'll ever
adjust to people's reactions and comments. i know, i know,
everything happens for a reason. but...it's...hard.

all my friends are going through so much right now too.
i'm trying to be there for all of them. not that i mind,
cause i don't. i am and always will be there for them, and
they know that and come to me. i would never change that
or want that to change. it's just...well...it's like i
have this reputation to live up to of always being able to
explain things to people. and now i physically am not able
to explain things...to find the right words to say what i
mean and it be effective...at all anymore. and, i don't
know...i feel like i'm not helping them anymore and i guess
i'm kinda afraid i'll lose them because of that.

there's so much more too. but i have got to get an english
paper written (another frustrating thing) and let my sister
on the phone. i know i have got to get this stuff written
out though. i have to have some way of explaining it...if
to no one else then to me.

final thought: you say you know me. tell me about myself
so that i know too.