marinabreeze

as the Oval turns
2001-10-14 06:50:17 (UTC)

Two Degrees from Hate

Songs in my head:"Black Butterfly" - Deniece Williams
"On the Edge of a Broken Heart" - Bon Jovi

Well, Pacey keeps on outdoing himself. Just when I think
that he couldn't be any worse of a so-called friend, he
comes out with some crap that outdoes the last thing that
he did that pissed me off. Sometimes I wonder if I'm some
freak into self-torture or something.

Today was the OSU-Wisconsin game, and I was supposed to
meet Pacey at the building next door to my dorm at 3pm. So
I get there at 3pm, and no one showed up. I waited 15
minutes, but he was so not there, so I walked to the
stadium by myself. So I get there, and I get to the seats,
and there he is...so he's all like "oh, there you are,
where were you?" I could've kicked him in the head. I was
like "where were you??? I was out there at 3, and I waited
15 minutes and you didn't show up." So he said that he
left his apartment 5 minutes early, and he got to the
meeting spot, and waited 5 minutes and I wasn't there so he
left. The thing to keep in mind is, as I thought it out
later, I realized that it takes less than a minute to get
from his apt to the meeting spot, so in other words, he
left the meeting spot at 3. He didn't even bother to go to
the front door of my dorm and call my room to see if I was
coming down. He is such an inconsiderate asshole. And
sure, we walked back together, but it was b/c I asked him.
He really sucks :(

I guess I'm not just hurt with this particular incident. I
feel like I am always the one going out of my way to do
stuff...to speak to him, to invite him to stuff, whatever.
And it's like he never takes his own initiative. I feel
like if I stopped talking to him tomorrow he wouldn't even
notice. It's the same kind of crap that happened the
beginning of the summer when we were on the retreat and he
ignored me to talk to the Giggly Girls. If I disappeared
tomorrow (I won't in Jesus' Name) it wouldn't matter to
him.

It really bothers me to think of my life here in college so
far, in terms of my dealings with guys. Being in love with
someone who hates me. I feel more and more like Steve
Urkel every day. I would hate to think that after I leave
from here this will be one of those things that I won't
tell anyone about b/c it hurts too much. I can understand
why some people hate men. If they meet men like Pacey,
then it makes all the sense in the world.