Ugly on the inside
2001-10-13 20:16:07 (UTC)

My whole Reason

okay... i'm gonna finally write what i've been avoiding for
the past few weeks.
the reason i started this diary was because Beth, a friend
of mine, knew the name of my other diary at Diary-x.com and
i told her in the beginnning that i wouldn't hold back. but
weeks into it... even months, i found myself holding back
on what i really wanted to say, what i really thought etc.
i couldn't do that anymore. this diary is for me. none of
that fabricated, candy coated shit. it was beginning to get
that way. i'd be upset and say i wanted to do old things
that i had done again but would end up saying that i really
wouldn't (which wasn't true). i dont' think anyone could
follow me right now but that's okay.
this past week has been extremely hard. after coming home
from work i'd have to force myself to NOT turn into the
right aid parking lot and buy a utility blade... i wanted
to day after day, but i couldn't.
i was talking to cody the other night and i told him about
that. he told me that he feels like he has been so worried.
he knew that the next time i decided to cut or whatever
it'd probably be the end of me. each time i've "stopped"
i've started again but was more risky and more likely to
get hurt by it... i don't know how he knew that... i guess
he's the only person that i know who's really been in the
same place as me before. he knows what it's like to be
me... to be inside my head. how could he know everything
else that he did? tim was always bashing cody for
having "no reason to bitch" but i don't think tim knows
what i just found out about cody that gives him every
single goddamn reason known to bitch... if tim knew what i
knew.... if only he knew. if only everyone else knew...
then maybe we'd all understand where each other is coming
from. beth never understood that about me. she kinda
avoided the whole topic. she never once asked me where the
scars came from, where the anger came from, or where all
the saddness came from either. she's known me since before
it started... wouldn't she have asked if she noticed such a
big change? i would have... she may have been afraid. and I
know that she is. because i know her well enough. she
doesn't really understand what it's like to grow up on the
other side... where i'm from. so sometimes we got
frustrated with each other. as we all tend to do sometimes.

yesterday some girl Danielle (kinda popular and upscale and
such) was like "you're so smart lindsay"... i thought about
that for a while. then later on that day i went up to her
and asked why she said that. "i dunno, you don't really say
too much and when you do say something, it's always so well
put and thought out. you don't hesitate to make it sound
like it's intelligent... because it always is. we've all
admired you for that, i just didn't think anyone had said
it before." something along those lines... i never knew i
had respect like that...nor the fact that anyone thought
something like that about me. by this diary thing, you
wouldn't think what she's saying is right. i dunno, i've
just got strong opinions that i could back up every aspect
of. people see that at school more so than here.
what that little story has to do with anything... i'm not

if i could die today... i would, if i had anything to do
with it... i couldn't. if i had to go without saying good-
bye i could, if i had to...i wouldn't.

i don't know how much longer i have. part of me thinks that
i could never see 20 years from now... part of me believes
that i because i can't, i won't. its like i'd finally be
happy, finally be free of all pain i've ever felt. if
anyone knew what i've been through, what i've felt then
maybe they'd they'd be more compasionate... more

i'm still here... still fighting... still doing what it
takes. i still care... i still learn... i still love... and
i still live